if god came down on christmas day, i know exactly what he'd say

I think coming back to Nashville was such a bad idea. I was wrong about so many things.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.

it's only you I'm thinking of

Here's an interesting one.
New Years Resolutions I've kept (not in chronological order, that's just weird):
- Vegetarianism
- Lose 10 pounds (lost 35 at one point. Oops?)
- Stop one bad habit. Start another. I really can't say what those are. I think it's easy enough to guess.

I don't make them very frequently, because I do keep them, and when you consider my history of not sticking with things, you'll understand. There's been a lot of years where I haven't made them. I can only remember 4 off the top of my head.
This year will be interesting, because I have a big one: no more trainwrecks. I'm not sure that's ever been accomplished. I may need your help. It's starting to make me a little nervous. I had a good time being a hot mess this semester. A girl can't go through life like that, though. Not and still make something out of herself. It's a myspace world.

I think now is as good a time as ever to point out how much I hate the holidays, any holiday with a Judeo-Christian origin at least. They've all become so commercialized that we're basically celebrating food, love, and presents. I'm totally okay with that. I like food and love and presents, but I like them everyday. I like buying people presents for the hell of it, just randomly. I like spreading joy and love every day. We'd be able to eradicate a lot more poverty and solve a lot more problems if people gave of themselves to charity as much as they do one or two days a year. We could really help people. I'm an atheist because I don't need a god to make me nice. I like Valentine's Day because it's a holiday that centers around good feeling, love, bright colors, flowers. People ignore it, mock it, avoid it like the plague, and it still goes on. I like spreading love.
Christmas is unavoidable, and if you hate it you may as well be the devil. I hate it. I'll do the things I do on Christmas every day if it will make the world a better place. I just can't get over sometimes how much the world is ignoring. Maybe being in a recession will do this country some good.
http://www.46664.com http://www.halfofus.com http://www.one.org http://www.enoughproject.org

I care about those things. Maybe some other people will too.
Let's talk about birthdays. I hate my own. I really try to avoid it, and I do a pretty good job. I can count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated it and been happy.
- 17: Picnic in the park with Andrea, Lauren, Elliott, Jenni, Tiffany and Becky. That was a good day.
- 18: Scary movie and Starbucks with Mackie. We talked about college, weddings, and other people. I miss that night, just sitting on some steps and talking. I miss nights like that.
- 19: Dinner with friends at some random diner. Seeing how many people we could cram into Megan's car. Good times. I don't think I have the energy to ever try to plan something like that again. Celebrations are exhausting. It was fun to have a girls night, though.

I love giving people shit for their birthdays. I either buy stuff, or I bake. If you at any point insinuate to me that you want something, it's yours. But like I said, I don't see why I can't do that every day, not just your birthday.

Here's to hoping these random bursts of altruism offset some of my worse qualities. After all, it's Christmas, motherfuckers.
(On a final note, I'd like to mention that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are serious so much cooler than xxxmas. I'd love to get to celebrate either one of them. Stupid family.)

I know it's unlikely she'll ever be mine

Finals that went well: Directing, Acting, Terrorism and Genocide, French
Finals that went okay: Songwriting, Dance- there's a story to this. I could only find one of my shoes, so I danced in stockings for the first time ever. I left my ipod in my apartment, and with 10 minutes before my exam I ran out to my car, grabbed a mix cd, and picked a new song. It was twice as fast as the first one. I ran out of choreography and so I just started moving. Oh, boy. At least it ended.

Here's another list of "interesting" things I've realized lately:
-I'm obsessed with cappuccino foam
-I've been eating yogurt with a fork
-On that subject, eating in front of people is literally like being naked. It's okay with good friends, and it's okay in large groups where no one is paying attention. With everyone else, it feels a little awkward, and with certain people it's unacceptable.
-I'm sort of a domestic goddess. I made brownies with nuts in them today. My friend Sarah had never had one before. They turned out well.

And now for something even more interesting.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
I keep mine, you know.
-No more trainwreck
-No more hot mess
-I'm going to get my shit together
-Auditions
-Workout journal
-Comp card
-Manager
-Relationship? We'll see.

I won't exactly be home for Christmas. I don't really like holidays. I'm going to get a cat when I get back to Los Angeles. Then, when I get back, I'm not leaving. Means I need to see everyone that I left behind in Nashville when I'm back over the holiday. I'd make a list, but they know who they are. It's not that big of a city.
Things I like in Nashville:
-Cafe Coco
-Bongo Java
-Calypso Cafe
-Fido
-Sitar
-Tarboosh
-Yogurt Oasis
-Hillsboro Village (good shopping there)

So, one dessert place, one Indian restaurant, one hookah bar, one boho district, and four coffee shops that serve food. Anything there that I can't get in Los Angeles?

find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Time to share. Things to know. I think in everyday conversation, this would be christened 'TMI'.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.

What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.

I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.

I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.

I swear there must be something in your dreams.

I haven't written on of these in a while. I figured tonight was a good night to do so. I have a lot on my mind, and I also just taught an international FIDM student the word "sexile."

So, first thought on choosing my scene in acting class.
What I heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice."
What I should have heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice BECAUSE YOU'D BE PLAYING YOURSELF."
Oh, that's a problem. I can't let myself go when I'm acting because I keep ending up with characters who have the same issues I do. How the fuck am I supposed to fix them if I can't fix myself? (Therapy was supposed to help a little with that. It kinda did.)
I actually asked Zane about what I should do when the imaginary reality blends with the real one. We're not sure, I don't think.

This will be good. It has to be. I have trouble because I'm unwilling to be fully vulnerable, and fucking "go there." This is my chance. My mother-fucking chance.
Except, I realized tonight that I worry more about my scene partners liking me than I do about the scene. That's probably not good for my work.

Now time for more lists. Things to know about me:
-I find honesty cathartic, full-blown, balls-out honesty. I'm an open book if you know the right questions to ask.
-I actually do run through traffic. I have a record of times in a day that I've almost been hit by a bus (it's 3).
-I also kinda enjoy walking over street grates. This leads to a lot of Marilyn Monroe moments, and I feel like eventually I'm going to fall down when one breaks.
-I'm still committed to way too many things, and right about now I feel like my life is going in a circle. Everything that's happened has somehow happened before. I'm completely unsurprised, and I feel like maybe I should be happier than I am.

What I really need is my old support system: Colby, Mackie, Breanna, Lauren. I don't think I have a strong enough one here. I'm connecting with people. I have friends. I'm okay, but I feel like I'm not really enough.
Zane says, "The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we're not enough."
Quite often
I'm NOT enough. Can't see it any other way. I guess I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet,

Speaking of books, I'm writing a lot more than usual. It's a good thing. If you want, I'll let you read something.

I'm no Superman

In California, I can back into a parking space, and animals eat out of my hand. The man at the gas station counter told me I was beautiful, and I'm pretty sure it was because I was buying a homeless person a snack. Life is so much better here. I wish more people were happy.

I do things very deliberately. I try so hard to be nice, and yet I amaze myself with how unpleasant I am on occasion. One thing to realize about me is that I will rarely ever lie.
I do things pragmatically, and as much as I love to be spontaneous, I plan or think about everything. I'm never not inside my own head. There's pretty much a reason behind everything I do. I realize that I gave myself a finite amount of time to make exclusively bad decisions, and most of them had names. I miss that time, but I choose my bad decisions carefully now. It's works.

November is my favorite month. It's 70 degrees and sunny right now. This year the election makes November a little more stressful. Losing sleep, losing weight. I don't know. At least it'll all be over in three days. I hope I survive. :/

Broadway is dark tonight...

So that thing I'm not mentioning is working. Know how I know? The following story...

So today I bought Pro Tools for a sun of money I would rather not have spent. For the rest of the day, a cloud of uncertainty covered every positive experience I had- and I had a good day.
Finally, when I got home, I went to the trunk of my car to unload everything and I discovered that the mirror I'd had in the back of my car as a prop from my directing midterm had been smashed by some of the equipment.
The mirror was mine. I'd been missing it for the last three days, but I hadn't taken it out of the trunk of my car. Right then, all of the insecurities I had about everything in my life came crashing down- directing class, songwriting, money, the way I look, what little career I have, my education, my future- I couldn't move. Full blown anxiety attack. I thought I was falling apart.
I made one phone call, got one answer. Twenty minutes, I was okay.
So, I went back to my trunk to get everything. I took an extra bag and started cleaning up the glass, and backed my elbow into one of the shards, deep. So here I am, in a minidress with a broken mirror, two bags of purchases, one bag of groceries, my giant, pink purse, and blood running down my arm, and all I thought was, "Wow, this is a fantastic life experience. I'm so happy this is happening."
I made it all the way back to my apartment with all of the crap I was carrying. I probably looked like a fantastic, hot trainwreck but I felt so happy,
Tomorrow should be good too. I don't know if we're doing food not bombs, but I hope so. Sunday is work. Work is exciting. Yay for more body paint.
I miss people. Especially Breanna and Mackie. It's so weird watching peoples' lives change and realizing that there's no place for you. I hate Tennessee, but I love those girls. It's hard to have a deep talk with someone who's 2000 miles away.
I don't remember the conversation I had with Michael M. yesterday, but I know I had one. Today, Megan M. and I went to Samuel French. We had a good conversation, although I probably talked too much.
I pretty much live with Sarah and Kerry. I like it when I can recognize people's names on their friends' blogs.
I also made a new driving mix. I'm watching Family Guy right now. I don't have any regrets at the moment.
Happy. It's a nice feeling.

he don't show much these days; it gets so fucking cold

Los Angeles is a dangerous and exhausting city. I can see why people hate it.
It's also magical. That's why they never leave.
The most important thing I've learned thus far in the things that I don't talk about: People have limits. We can only do so much. Drugs, sex, rock & roll. You'll die. You'll pass out. You'll go deaf. Strive for perfection, but accept that you'll never achieve it. Things won't turn out the way you plan, but sometimes they'll turn out better. The trick is to not let it get you down when they don't.
Thursday is going to be a really great day.

who would have thought we were going to get this far?

Nobody blogs about going to therapy. I certainly don't.

I will, however, say that there are differences between liking yourself, and accepting yourself as you are. I don't quite have the balance as to what those are.

As actors, we have to embrace our darkness at times. That takes different forms in some of us. More to come on that later.

I realized that I made a long list of things I was committed to. Sometime, I think that list was too long.
Fuck. It would be so easy just to choose the safe way out. The easy way out. But nobody goes anywhere on that side. What the fuck.

because until yesterday, they didn't even have a stock market.

You know, I had this post planned out where I was going to ramble and naval gaze, and blah.

But I had a really great night last night. I'm not sure I'll ever get all of this paint off, and I walked into my apartment building this morning looking like a refugee from a smurfs war, but I'm so happy right now. I have all day today to chill, study for midterms, be around, and last night was wonderful.

I have some things to think. :)

not gonna write you a love song.

I don't think there's any point in the unpleasant morning-after feeling if there's not morning after. I need to make more mistakes. I need to not be a perfectionist. I need to have a messy personal life again, so that maybe I can get my professional life back on track. No? Yes.
I miss feeling compelled to call someone at three in the morning from another continent just because. I miss that. Where the hell did that feeling go? I used to fall so hard for people.
Now, not only can I not get that right, I can't get any work done whatsoever. What is wrong with me?
And why won't those doctors return my calls? I'm tired of grinding my stupid teeth in my sleep.

all of these things are true.

I make lists.
*Things that I am committed to:
-I'm committed to modeling
-I'm committed to therapy
-I'm committed to BNT
-I'm committed to Barack Obama
-I'm committed to French
-I'm committed to directing
-I'm committed to being there for my friends
I'm not committed to myself. I don't know how to commit to something I can't let down.

This is hard. It's hard to admit, but I can't be honest unless I say it. Can't feel honest unless I talk it out. I can't deal.
I'm stressed about directing. I'm scared I'll fuck up my scene and disappoint Stephanie. I'm scared I'll disappoint Lora Zane, and that she'll stop believing in me.
I'm heartbroken that Isis on America's Next Top Model got axed. She was one of my inspirations. She couldn't believe in herself enough. She's been through so much more than me.
There are so many people who are smarter, stronger, more confident, and more successful, and they have all suffered more than I have.
So what makes me so so afraid of measuring up? Of just being adequate? Why am I so against myself?
There's a difference between being 'good' and being 'good enough'. The trick is that you have to be both. No one wants to be married because she's just 'good enough' but no one wants to lose a competition and hear, "Oh, but you were still good."

I can't deal. I psych myself out, and there are days when I'm convinced I don't have any real friends. Or that I have one. I have so much trouble opening up to people. I'm a pro at sabotaging relationships, and now- now that I'm going through these nasty anxiety issues- I'm going through them alone. I just don't think it's fair to dump my issues on anyone else. They feel so trivial. I'm getting pro help instead.
I just want people to be happy and feel good. I try to facilitate that. I'm exhausted thinking about this.

My eyes are bright, and

Watching Juno got me thinking. You're having this baby, and it's beautiful, an amazing, and exciting, and a miracle, and you have all these expectations. And then it's born and it's wonderful. And then it grows up and it's nothing like what you expected, and all of a sudden it's 19 years later and how could you not be disappointed?
Some more things to know about me.
-I have anxiety attacks. Sometimes it's hard to move. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. Deep down, I know it is, but that doesn't stop the wondering.
-I use modeling to cope with body dysmorphic disorder, not because I think it's a viable career. I have a hard time with self-efficacy, but god I just want to make the world a better place.
-Lora Zane talked to us about the importance of authenticity. The only time I feel authentic is when I'm acting. The rest of the time, I feel fake. I used to think it would be so much easier if people just saw me as a piece of ass, that I would definitely be more well liked. But then, I pick up a script or get in front of a camera, and I think, "Could a piece of ass do this?"
I wish I could just feel good about myself, more often than once a day or so. I try so hard to make things good for other people. I want you to be happy. I want you to be successful. I want you to be beautiful, and vivacious, and loved. I want to be a good friend to you. I want to save your life.
I want to save the world.
But I can't even save myself. I will never be enough.
Why is that? I'm just going to keep pushing until I fall apart. It's what I do. I dealt with stress by being all smiles in the daytime, and grinding my teeth so hard at night that they cracked. I burned myself baking food for people that didn't need it, or even want it. I put myself in and unsafe situation and managed to look both gullible and like an asshole in the same space of time.
I scored in the 98th percentile on the SAT. I knew even then that it didn't matter. My parents are proud that I made dean's list. Why can't they be proud that I make art?

tell her we need sterile gauze

It's been a loong and unpleasant week, and I feel like I haven't really even done anything. I have been meaning to write this for a while though.
Things you should know about me:
- I make lists. This is one of them. Other notable ones, all ongoing in my head include:
*People i credit with saving my life (this is one I was actually going to type out for you, but now I think it's best if I just let you wonder if you're on there. I do want to give a special thank you to Alex M, Tal F, Mikey Y, and Sky (??) who are the only people who may have -actually- saved my life when I may have accidentally given myself alcohol poisoning).
*People I'm not giving up on
*People I have given up on
*Things I wish I'd done sooner and probably never will
*Fun but completely irrelevant facts that will probably never be useful to me (The capital of Latvia is Riga. 31 countries in the world speak French)
*Humanitarian causes I want to be involved with (There are too many for me to focus, and sometimes that makes me feel completely useless)
*Things I want to learn but don't have time or finances (Photography, Cosmetology, Piano, Violin, Drawing in 2d, Russian, Tagalog, Arabic and Hindu, Pilates, Ballet, it goes on)
*Reasons to live- There was about a month and a half during my junior year where I actually wrote these down. It helped, an I was always scared of the day when I wouldn't have one. Now just breathing, walking, speaking is enough. Most days.
-I meet cute boys at concerts.
-I eat an ungodly amount of fruit. It's just always around when I'm hungry. Like right now. I'm so about to go for some.
-My hair is blonde and fluffy, so people think I'm sweet. I wear really short skirts sometimes, so people think I'm easy. SugarySweet and SuperEasy is the ideal woman for someone who's never actually met me, so I get a lot of attention from mostly blue-collar guys on the street. It used to be an ego boost. Some days it still is. Mostly now, it's just kind of frustrating. A little upsetting too. (For the record, I wear short skirts because I have short legs and they need as much sun as I can give them. The end).
-When I'm sad, I buy books. Sometimes clothes too, but mostly books. This week, I bought eleven. I've started four of them and finished two.
-I want, more than anything, to make the world a better place. I want to make people happy, and sometimes I think that if I smile at enough people, say hi to them, that their days will be better and the world will get happier, like a ripple effect. Some days now it feels like it isn't enough and the world is sliding into hell. That's a metaphor and it's over dramatic. I don't believe in hell.
-I think religious people are lovely. I'm not one of them. I don't intend to be. If I mock your religion, well, that's probably because you're Catholic and I spent 12 years in Catholic school.
-I'm a really great girlfriend, but I make excuses to stay out of relationships. I'm over opening up to people.
-I have a feeling that last one could get me into trouble, but I don't think anyone's reading this far.
-I accumulate clutter. I recycle things, and so I save them. It provides a very nice metaphor.
-I don't like people who have no ambition. No goals. No drive. No creativity. To me, those people are basically dead. I'm pro-choice, and RtD. I'm very liberal. I'll defend my position, and I respect your right to defend yours.
-I hate my thighs and I feel inadequate if I don't write anything for a long time. Like now. Mhm. I haven't written for way too long and the last thing I started working on isn't finished. I'll be okay though.
-I used to be a poet. I don't write down most of my ideas anymore. I miss being a songwriter. I secretly always wanted to be in a band. I used to be really confident that I could sing. Now I don't feel so great.
-Despite everything negative that I just wrote up there, I'm really really happy. I'm so happy. I love California. I'm home.

so long, so long

I finally learned why they tell you to rest. I pushed my thigh to the point of collapsing, and I just fell backwards. Lucky, I caught myself on my bed and I'm okay, but it was a wake-up call. No one is Superman. I don't know why I never tell myself it's okay to rest. I still believe it's not.

So, I sprained my ankle. They took my to the CA Hospital Medical Center and I sat around in triage for four hours. It was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I'll start from the beginning.
I twisted my ankle running to catch the light at Jefferson and Hoover. It was already red by the time I started crossing, I didn't care because I was preoccupied. During the show that I was watching (good job everybody), I had made the decision to go to the Psych center on Monday and ask to take the test to see if I qualified for Prozac or Zoloft. I'm pretty sure I would have.
As soon as I hurt myself, I sprang (metaphorically of course) into action. I didn't scream; I didn't cry. I called for help, they sent me an ambulance and I went to check it checked out by a doctor, because I knew I couldn't fix this on my own at 10:00 at night.
Sitting in triage, experiencing firsthand the inadequacy of the US Healthcare system, I watched Level One trauma patients get treated in a hallway because there were no rooms for them. I met a man named James who had been waiting for eight hours with a broken arm from fighting and a rattling cough that never went away. I saw a gang member who had been sliced up by barbed wire, another who was having a bad reaction to PCP. I saw a pregnant woman who was scared and excited. I saw a man and his friend come in covered in someone else's blood. I don't know if that person made it. I saw a couple of people who didn't.
Sitting in a wheelchair with my entire right leg immobilized, I felt so incredibly lucky. For the first three hours that I was there, I kept a smile on my face. I wanted to brighten people's nights. They were doing such important work, and I wanted them to know that. By the time they got to me, I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. It was about 2AM. I still felt blessed to be there, and proud of everyone around me. I can't honestly say I recommend getting injured sot hat you can spend the night in a public hospital, but I learned a lot about myself and other people. As I was sitting there, I no longer felt like I needed the medicine. It was like I was filled with light, because I was in a place where people were doing good and healing in the face of so much bad.
Truth: There were terrible situations. I'm not happy about mine to say the least. I'm sad and worried about James, because I have no way of thinking that he'll make it to the end of the year. He wasn't the only one I saw like that. But even through all of that, he showed me kindness and I reciprocated,
I just wish everyone could have been there that night and seen what I did. Met the people I did. It was a stupid reason to go to the hospital and maybe this is a stupid story, but I feel validated. Maybe not changed, but I feel a better side of myself. I'm going to do better, and I'm going to be okay. I know what I want to be doing, where I want to go, and what I need. I can prioritize and get things done. If I can make it through college without going on Prozac, I can make it through the rest of my life. I can't promise that I will though. I never thought I'd admit that publicly, but I'm a big believer in honesty these days. Don't ask me why.

I had more thoughts, things to say, but at this point I think I've said enough. People have definitely heard enough from me for one night. I just think it would help. Some things need to be heard.
I've learned a lot this weekend.

This time again this year

So, I've been thinking a lot about change and about choices and I'm realizing that the more things change, the more they really do stay the same. I was a different person two to three years ago- someone not so much like me. Especially last year. I had a lot of things to figure out. I sort of think you know that.

I'm not used to having someone tell me, "You should do [insert this thing you love] because you're good at it, and it's a part of you, and we can see that." Having that kind of support for the first time in my life is more than refreshing. It's almost affirming, had I need of affirmation. It serves as a reminder of what I used to want and what I used to believe I was capable of, before I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough and it wasn't worth it. I know better now. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what I want, and it's going to be good. Try and stop me.

I've been thinking a lot about the past. I do that a lot in Spring. It's why it's my least favorite season. I tend to relive old moments from years past, usually around this time. Could be because I'm a year older, or it could just be the weather. I don't know.
In any case, I've been thinking about a lot of you. I've retouched some old connections. I'm willing to do more. I miss a lot of you, in a weird way. There are some people whom I never expect to see again, and other who, if that happened, I think it might break my heart. I have a feeling that you don't all really know which group you fit into. That's okay.
To those of you that wonder, I'll be in Nashville for about two weeks beginning mid-May if you want to see me before I leave to do other things. I won't be spending much time there, probably ever again. Home is here now.

You know, I don't like celebrating my birthday. Not really. Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had, and all I did was go out to dinner, and then spend the evening with my best friend. It was perfect, because for the first time in a long time, I was happy. I guess I always tend towards melancholia around this time, but this year, I kind of wish I'd had time to plan something- preferably involving controlled substances, music, and illicit trysts- but I really didn't. Too busy planning my own future and things that impact other people's lives. I also feel a little weird planning a party for myself. It seems a little too bold to say "I want this. I want this. This is what we will do." Some days, I'm just too self-denying for that. Anyone care to help me out?

I think about all I've learned here. All the people that I've met and all the things I've seen, and I feel profoundly grateful. I ended up in a better place than I ever thought possible, and for every time I read something new and helpful, or every time someone says something unexpectedly nice, or every person that's stopped me on the street and told me I was beautiful, I feel profoundly grateful, and I owe it to all of you.

This note is very much a stream of consciousness and it probably doesn't make much sense. I honestly don't even know who to tag. Except where I sort of do. If I tagged you and you don't know why, I guess ask. I like answering questions.

In lieu of doing homework right now, I'm going to write a story.

It's funny. I was going to write another note that explained things- especially about last year- but I don't feel the need now. You can draw your own conclusions and make what assumptions you want. You'll do that anyway.

it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.

Wow. That last post was as depressing as I ever want to get on here. Not again.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately. For most of the people I know, Catherine especially, home is where your family is (I include friends in that as well). That's not the case with me, nor has it ever been. For me, home is a concrete place. It's big and it has a name. Like a city, Like Los Angeles. That's home right now. In a couple of years, we'll see.

I watched Enchanted tonight. My biggest critique of it is that it wasn't ironic enough. It really was a fairytale, which is why I didn't want to watch it in the first place. If I want a fairy tale, I'll watch Amelie. At least that has sex.

You know, I almost typed "If I was a fairy tale." That's interesting.
Something to think about. Maybe just because I'm a writer.
Except, I need to be writing again. I like directing though. I could see it being something that made me happy in the long-term.
This is new. This is good.

I have a lot to think about.

ps: I bought lingerie today. Shopping makes me happy too. It's funny that I didn't really know that.

leave your conscience at the door.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the only person who feels like real friendship isn't about compromise and sacrifice and bargaining.
Real friends don't manipulate each other, It's not about what you can get or what you have to give up.
I'm sick. I don't know anymore.
Compleat Female Stage Beauty ended tonight. I miss it already. I was working the sound and even though my legs would cramp from not moving, it was such a great experience because I got to watch these immensely talented people in their element. Everyone cared and everyone was amazing.
It hurt, because it made me miss acting and it made me remember why I love it.
And it made me realize that I'll never feel good enough to put myself out there the way they do. I lost that audacity. I had it once, and knowing that hurts even more.
Some days I have no idea what I want and other days it's so clear. I want the world, everything. I want to help people. I want to love people. I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be someone worthy of loving.
I want to stop writing blogs that sound overly melodramatic. I want to write something meaningful again.
I want to write my essay, but my topic is so depressing that I can't focus. (We had to pick a subtopic of the death penalty to write on. I chose mental illness and I'm reading about a case where a man was forcibly medicated to render him competent for execution. Singleton v. Norris if you're interested.)
It's ironic. My roommate and her friend are watching Rent in the next room. It's really really loud, and What You Own just came on. That's been one of those songs that I take as a sort of anthem since I first heard it. It helps.
I think too much. I have a lot to do.
It's ridiculous that I'm worried about being behind in choir. It's ridiculous that I don't know where I'm living next year but I forgot to break my housing contract so now I have to pay a fine. It's ridiculous that I don't have a major but I've already picked out three minors.
Why doesn't any of this make me happy? That's ridiculous too.

I shall hear, though soft your tread above me

I cried tonight for the first time in a long time.
There was just a lot going on. There is still a lot going on. I'm just...busy.
But I have my shit together. That's what's important. That's what's always important.
God, no more being melodramatic. It's ridiculous and unneccessary.
I'm directing a short piece for the WTO Festival (April 8th, 9th, and 10th.) It was written by my friend Jason, and it's going to be amazing. We have our first read-through on Sunday, so I'll update on how that's going.
I'm exhausted, and I think I'm getting sick again.
I'm watching some really good movies, reading good books, feeling guilty about both. I should be getting more done than I am.
It makes me sad that I feel guilty about doing things that make me happy.
I really need some sleep.
I miss people. Not going to say who, You'd be surprised.
My voice recital is March 28th at 4. Please come.

99 Red Balloons

So, this weekend was fun. Thursday night was the Row, and that was a good time. I don't go there very often, but hanging out in ZBT was pretty cool. I may need to go back. I was actually there to help out with the WTO fundraiser, but I spent most of the time wandering around with (new roommate) Rachel and her friend Gabby. I met a guy who studied abroad in Capetown and loved it, so that was encouraging. I just wish I didn't have to wait until November to apply.
Last night was Nee's birthday, so we got all dressed up 80s style and went to Club Addiction. Had so much fun with Tiffany, Nee and the guys. i met a lot of guys. Some I knew, some I didn't, but it was cool just hanging out and dancing crazy. There was mild drama, which was kind of perturbing because I really dislike purposeless confrontation, but I guess it's excusable when it's fueled by alcohol.
I was going to go on about how I don't understand people who drink to excess when it doesn't make them happy, but I've walked on enough eggshells and sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut before I reveal anything about myself or anyone else that doesn't need to go on the internet. I have a lot to think about. Some of it may end up on this blog. Some of it might not.
We'll see.

what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

So, I'm not partying on Mardi gras. I really was planning to, but I feel like crap and I have so much to do that it's just not worth it. I wouldn't have fun. I just need to get some things done tonight so that I'm not stressing. I need to prioritize and that's not coming as easily as I'd like. Really, I just want to sleep. I'm so tired all the time now. I think that might be my own fault. I'm pushing myself pretty hard, physically, and it's taking a little bit of a toll. Oh, well. Such is life.
I need to get started on my Poli-Sci paper. That's priority one. Then the next essay for Writing 140 (ew). Then reading the play submissions for the WTO festival. Eventually, I have to finish the reading for my music industry class (preferably before the midterm). In the middle of this comes my 130 crew assignment which needs to figure itself out. It doesn't help that Hillary won California after I've been working on the Obama campaign. This night is just one big headache and I don't know how it got to be 11:55 and I really haven't done anything. Fuck.
Enough whining. Enough blogging. Time to get things done. Really, I'm fine. I just think too much. I need to get out of my own head. I learned that a long time ago, but it never really seems to apply enough.
Lots of plans to make. I like making plans, but this is all a bit much.
Whatever. No one wants to hear me whine. I'll say something more interesting tomorrow.

You can make him like you.

So this weekend was all about film. Thursday night, after I saw Derik Nelson from my Music Industry class play at Ground Zero (he's amazing, check him out: http://www.myspace.com/deriknelson), I ran into my super-cool director from last semester. We chatted for a minute, but he was freezing and it was starting to rain, so we fled.
Friday, I saw a really amazing film- Chicago 10. It's an art documentary about the 1968 riot at the Democratic National Convention and the arrest and trial of the Chicago 7. It's really cool, using all real footage and a lot of motion-acted animation. I would really recommend seeing it when it comes out (February 29th) because the better it does in its first week, the more likely it is that they can get wider distribution. Everyone should see this film.
Saturday morning, I was in Genevieve Farrell's 290, which was fun. It was really cold out, but I think the film should turn out nicely. We came back on Sunday to get a few more shots, and I met a really cool guy named Rolf who was playing one of the other characters. I think he's also in my 130 class, but there's a billion people in that class so I could be wrong.
Sunday night, in lieu of doing most of my homework, I watched Southland Tales which reminded me a lot of Sin City meets Pulp Fiction meets some scifi film that I can't think of at the moment. Really excellent film. I enjoyed it a lot.
So, that's how my weekend was all about film. I did miss out on the 30th street riot, but I'm kind of okay with that. It's hit or miss with me and police officers. Sometimes they're really nice to me, and sometimes we don't get along. You never know. I don't judge.
I've been thinking a lot lately about things in the past. It's going to be Spring soon, and I do that a lot in Spring.
That's probably why I don't like it very much.

we all get it in the end.

So, this I wrote a while ago (actually, on another blog), just musing after I saw a film. But, since I haven't updated this one in a while, and I don't have the time/energy to catalogue anything worth being interested in, I'll repost it and just let you read it. Worthwhile thoughts, I think. Definitely better than some bullshit description of my day.

Remember when love was beautiful?
Remember when kissing someone felt good?
Remember when sex was more than just something to fill the time?
Remember when we all meant something? Remember when we knew?
Remember when we were sure?
And bright? and wonderful?
Remember when we had reasons to smile, and laugh, and dance?
Remember when we were unafraid to be naked, open, exquisite?
And we used art and not wine to kill the pain?
When our bodies were more poetry than vehicles?
And we were more than enough for ourselves?
We are still beautiful.
We're still young. We're still alive.
We all just need to be touched.

raise a glass and tell some lies

So, I didn't write about New Years. I didn't write about much of anything. That makes for a boring blog. My bad.

Just an observation, the view from my dentist office is like something out of a movie. It's on the fourth floor of a building in Beverly Hills, and it was so beautiful that I didn't even mind being in the damn chair. I have never felt so lucky to be in Los Angeles.
It was good being in Nashville for a little while though, because I got to see some of my really good friends and catching up with them was good. In particular, I got to see a girl named Breanna who is one of the most insightful, sweet, funny people I know. She and I sat in a coffee shop just talking for around four hours straight. It was a really lovely night and I want the best for her, forever. I don't have too many people that I can honestly say I couldn't do without, but I feel so lucky to know her.
Other than her, I also saw a few other people whom I was really glad to see. Interesting relationship dynamics, fun times, rock shows, America's Next top Model, vegan salads, knives and six shots of expresso. It was a relaxing break, but I'm so glad to be home. I can't wait to be busy again. That's how I'll know if I've finally managed to conquer my tendency to stress. God I hope so. It's not healthy.
I want to see my LA friends again soon. I'm going to miss not having class with most of them. Boo. :(
Also, I want to see Eric Nieters. What the fuck, Eric, we're in the same city as each other almost 24/7 and I never see you?
Tiffany is supposed to be coming out here sometime soon. It'll be really good to see her and I think she could use a heavy dose of California. Kate might be transferring here, and I think California could use a good dose of her.
I didn't get to see Mackie over break. I know she's doing okay, but it tears me up a little bit, because I haven't been there to make sure that she's doing okay and she's like my sister. She's a big girl though. She can take care of herself. I wish her and Chaz the best of everything.
Lauren just asked when she can come visit. She can come any time and I really hope she does. Lauren's an awesome girl, and I think the atmosphere here would go a long way toward alleviating her stress. She's worse than me, and so hard on herself. it makes me sad, because she's all the way across the country at Boston College and I don't trust those Jesuits to take good care of her. Catholic guilt is something with which I'm more than familiar.

So, yeah. Those are people from back home. Except, Nashville isn't really home. Never really was. People are home, really. I have a city now to call home, but I don't quite have people in it to call home yet, That'll come, in time I suppose. It already is.
My other home though, it's people, and I'm only just realizing how lucky I am that I have something to miss.

Enough naval-gazing. I have three and a half years left to do that. (Think I'll be doing part of it in South Africa. Thoughts?)
This whole post has been about how lucky I am. I want to remember that. We're all lucky in a way I guess but sometimes it's really hard to see.