leave your conscience at the door.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the only person who feels like real friendship isn't about compromise and sacrifice and bargaining.
Real friends don't manipulate each other, It's not about what you can get or what you have to give up.
I'm sick. I don't know anymore.
Compleat Female Stage Beauty ended tonight. I miss it already. I was working the sound and even though my legs would cramp from not moving, it was such a great experience because I got to watch these immensely talented people in their element. Everyone cared and everyone was amazing.
It hurt, because it made me miss acting and it made me remember why I love it.
And it made me realize that I'll never feel good enough to put myself out there the way they do. I lost that audacity. I had it once, and knowing that hurts even more.
Some days I have no idea what I want and other days it's so clear. I want the world, everything. I want to help people. I want to love people. I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be someone worthy of loving.
I want to stop writing blogs that sound overly melodramatic. I want to write something meaningful again.
I want to write my essay, but my topic is so depressing that I can't focus. (We had to pick a subtopic of the death penalty to write on. I chose mental illness and I'm reading about a case where a man was forcibly medicated to render him competent for execution. Singleton v. Norris if you're interested.)
It's ironic. My roommate and her friend are watching Rent in the next room. It's really really loud, and What You Own just came on. That's been one of those songs that I take as a sort of anthem since I first heard it. It helps.
I think too much. I have a lot to do.
It's ridiculous that I'm worried about being behind in choir. It's ridiculous that I don't know where I'm living next year but I forgot to break my housing contract so now I have to pay a fine. It's ridiculous that I don't have a major but I've already picked out three minors.
Why doesn't any of this make me happy? That's ridiculous too.