find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Time to share. Things to know. I think in everyday conversation, this would be christened 'TMI'.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.

What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.

I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.

I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.