if god came down on christmas day, i know exactly what he'd say

I think coming back to Nashville was such a bad idea. I was wrong about so many things.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.

it's only you I'm thinking of

Here's an interesting one.
New Years Resolutions I've kept (not in chronological order, that's just weird):
- Vegetarianism
- Lose 10 pounds (lost 35 at one point. Oops?)
- Stop one bad habit. Start another. I really can't say what those are. I think it's easy enough to guess.

I don't make them very frequently, because I do keep them, and when you consider my history of not sticking with things, you'll understand. There's been a lot of years where I haven't made them. I can only remember 4 off the top of my head.
This year will be interesting, because I have a big one: no more trainwrecks. I'm not sure that's ever been accomplished. I may need your help. It's starting to make me a little nervous. I had a good time being a hot mess this semester. A girl can't go through life like that, though. Not and still make something out of herself. It's a myspace world.

I think now is as good a time as ever to point out how much I hate the holidays, any holiday with a Judeo-Christian origin at least. They've all become so commercialized that we're basically celebrating food, love, and presents. I'm totally okay with that. I like food and love and presents, but I like them everyday. I like buying people presents for the hell of it, just randomly. I like spreading joy and love every day. We'd be able to eradicate a lot more poverty and solve a lot more problems if people gave of themselves to charity as much as they do one or two days a year. We could really help people. I'm an atheist because I don't need a god to make me nice. I like Valentine's Day because it's a holiday that centers around good feeling, love, bright colors, flowers. People ignore it, mock it, avoid it like the plague, and it still goes on. I like spreading love.
Christmas is unavoidable, and if you hate it you may as well be the devil. I hate it. I'll do the things I do on Christmas every day if it will make the world a better place. I just can't get over sometimes how much the world is ignoring. Maybe being in a recession will do this country some good.
http://www.46664.com http://www.halfofus.com http://www.one.org http://www.enoughproject.org

I care about those things. Maybe some other people will too.
Let's talk about birthdays. I hate my own. I really try to avoid it, and I do a pretty good job. I can count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated it and been happy.
- 17: Picnic in the park with Andrea, Lauren, Elliott, Jenni, Tiffany and Becky. That was a good day.
- 18: Scary movie and Starbucks with Mackie. We talked about college, weddings, and other people. I miss that night, just sitting on some steps and talking. I miss nights like that.
- 19: Dinner with friends at some random diner. Seeing how many people we could cram into Megan's car. Good times. I don't think I have the energy to ever try to plan something like that again. Celebrations are exhausting. It was fun to have a girls night, though.

I love giving people shit for their birthdays. I either buy stuff, or I bake. If you at any point insinuate to me that you want something, it's yours. But like I said, I don't see why I can't do that every day, not just your birthday.

Here's to hoping these random bursts of altruism offset some of my worse qualities. After all, it's Christmas, motherfuckers.
(On a final note, I'd like to mention that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are serious so much cooler than xxxmas. I'd love to get to celebrate either one of them. Stupid family.)

I know it's unlikely she'll ever be mine

Finals that went well: Directing, Acting, Terrorism and Genocide, French
Finals that went okay: Songwriting, Dance- there's a story to this. I could only find one of my shoes, so I danced in stockings for the first time ever. I left my ipod in my apartment, and with 10 minutes before my exam I ran out to my car, grabbed a mix cd, and picked a new song. It was twice as fast as the first one. I ran out of choreography and so I just started moving. Oh, boy. At least it ended.

Here's another list of "interesting" things I've realized lately:
-I'm obsessed with cappuccino foam
-I've been eating yogurt with a fork
-On that subject, eating in front of people is literally like being naked. It's okay with good friends, and it's okay in large groups where no one is paying attention. With everyone else, it feels a little awkward, and with certain people it's unacceptable.
-I'm sort of a domestic goddess. I made brownies with nuts in them today. My friend Sarah had never had one before. They turned out well.

And now for something even more interesting.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
I keep mine, you know.
-No more trainwreck
-No more hot mess
-I'm going to get my shit together
-Auditions
-Workout journal
-Comp card
-Manager
-Relationship? We'll see.

I won't exactly be home for Christmas. I don't really like holidays. I'm going to get a cat when I get back to Los Angeles. Then, when I get back, I'm not leaving. Means I need to see everyone that I left behind in Nashville when I'm back over the holiday. I'd make a list, but they know who they are. It's not that big of a city.
Things I like in Nashville:
-Cafe Coco
-Bongo Java
-Calypso Cafe
-Fido
-Sitar
-Tarboosh
-Yogurt Oasis
-Hillsboro Village (good shopping there)

So, one dessert place, one Indian restaurant, one hookah bar, one boho district, and four coffee shops that serve food. Anything there that I can't get in Los Angeles?

find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Time to share. Things to know. I think in everyday conversation, this would be christened 'TMI'.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.

What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.

I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.

I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.