I swear there must be something in your dreams.

I haven't written on of these in a while. I figured tonight was a good night to do so. I have a lot on my mind, and I also just taught an international FIDM student the word "sexile."

So, first thought on choosing my scene in acting class.
What I heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice."
What I should have heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice BECAUSE YOU'D BE PLAYING YOURSELF."
Oh, that's a problem. I can't let myself go when I'm acting because I keep ending up with characters who have the same issues I do. How the fuck am I supposed to fix them if I can't fix myself? (Therapy was supposed to help a little with that. It kinda did.)
I actually asked Zane about what I should do when the imaginary reality blends with the real one. We're not sure, I don't think.

This will be good. It has to be. I have trouble because I'm unwilling to be fully vulnerable, and fucking "go there." This is my chance. My mother-fucking chance.
Except, I realized tonight that I worry more about my scene partners liking me than I do about the scene. That's probably not good for my work.

Now time for more lists. Things to know about me:
-I find honesty cathartic, full-blown, balls-out honesty. I'm an open book if you know the right questions to ask.
-I actually do run through traffic. I have a record of times in a day that I've almost been hit by a bus (it's 3).
-I also kinda enjoy walking over street grates. This leads to a lot of Marilyn Monroe moments, and I feel like eventually I'm going to fall down when one breaks.
-I'm still committed to way too many things, and right about now I feel like my life is going in a circle. Everything that's happened has somehow happened before. I'm completely unsurprised, and I feel like maybe I should be happier than I am.

What I really need is my old support system: Colby, Mackie, Breanna, Lauren. I don't think I have a strong enough one here. I'm connecting with people. I have friends. I'm okay, but I feel like I'm not really enough.
Zane says, "The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we're not enough."
Quite often
I'm NOT enough. Can't see it any other way. I guess I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet,

Speaking of books, I'm writing a lot more than usual. It's a good thing. If you want, I'll let you read something.