This time again this year

So, I've been thinking a lot about change and about choices and I'm realizing that the more things change, the more they really do stay the same. I was a different person two to three years ago- someone not so much like me. Especially last year. I had a lot of things to figure out. I sort of think you know that.

I'm not used to having someone tell me, "You should do [insert this thing you love] because you're good at it, and it's a part of you, and we can see that." Having that kind of support for the first time in my life is more than refreshing. It's almost affirming, had I need of affirmation. It serves as a reminder of what I used to want and what I used to believe I was capable of, before I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough and it wasn't worth it. I know better now. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what I want, and it's going to be good. Try and stop me.

I've been thinking a lot about the past. I do that a lot in Spring. It's why it's my least favorite season. I tend to relive old moments from years past, usually around this time. Could be because I'm a year older, or it could just be the weather. I don't know.
In any case, I've been thinking about a lot of you. I've retouched some old connections. I'm willing to do more. I miss a lot of you, in a weird way. There are some people whom I never expect to see again, and other who, if that happened, I think it might break my heart. I have a feeling that you don't all really know which group you fit into. That's okay.
To those of you that wonder, I'll be in Nashville for about two weeks beginning mid-May if you want to see me before I leave to do other things. I won't be spending much time there, probably ever again. Home is here now.

You know, I don't like celebrating my birthday. Not really. Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had, and all I did was go out to dinner, and then spend the evening with my best friend. It was perfect, because for the first time in a long time, I was happy. I guess I always tend towards melancholia around this time, but this year, I kind of wish I'd had time to plan something- preferably involving controlled substances, music, and illicit trysts- but I really didn't. Too busy planning my own future and things that impact other people's lives. I also feel a little weird planning a party for myself. It seems a little too bold to say "I want this. I want this. This is what we will do." Some days, I'm just too self-denying for that. Anyone care to help me out?

I think about all I've learned here. All the people that I've met and all the things I've seen, and I feel profoundly grateful. I ended up in a better place than I ever thought possible, and for every time I read something new and helpful, or every time someone says something unexpectedly nice, or every person that's stopped me on the street and told me I was beautiful, I feel profoundly grateful, and I owe it to all of you.

This note is very much a stream of consciousness and it probably doesn't make much sense. I honestly don't even know who to tag. Except where I sort of do. If I tagged you and you don't know why, I guess ask. I like answering questions.

In lieu of doing homework right now, I'm going to write a story.

It's funny. I was going to write another note that explained things- especially about last year- but I don't feel the need now. You can draw your own conclusions and make what assumptions you want. You'll do that anyway.