all of these things are true.

I make lists.
*Things that I am committed to:
-I'm committed to modeling
-I'm committed to therapy
-I'm committed to BNT
-I'm committed to Barack Obama
-I'm committed to French
-I'm committed to directing
-I'm committed to being there for my friends
I'm not committed to myself. I don't know how to commit to something I can't let down.

This is hard. It's hard to admit, but I can't be honest unless I say it. Can't feel honest unless I talk it out. I can't deal.
I'm stressed about directing. I'm scared I'll fuck up my scene and disappoint Stephanie. I'm scared I'll disappoint Lora Zane, and that she'll stop believing in me.
I'm heartbroken that Isis on America's Next Top Model got axed. She was one of my inspirations. She couldn't believe in herself enough. She's been through so much more than me.
There are so many people who are smarter, stronger, more confident, and more successful, and they have all suffered more than I have.
So what makes me so so afraid of measuring up? Of just being adequate? Why am I so against myself?
There's a difference between being 'good' and being 'good enough'. The trick is that you have to be both. No one wants to be married because she's just 'good enough' but no one wants to lose a competition and hear, "Oh, but you were still good."

I can't deal. I psych myself out, and there are days when I'm convinced I don't have any real friends. Or that I have one. I have so much trouble opening up to people. I'm a pro at sabotaging relationships, and now- now that I'm going through these nasty anxiety issues- I'm going through them alone. I just don't think it's fair to dump my issues on anyone else. They feel so trivial. I'm getting pro help instead.
I just want people to be happy and feel good. I try to facilitate that. I'm exhausted thinking about this.