I swear there must be something in your dreams.

I haven't written on of these in a while. I figured tonight was a good night to do so. I have a lot on my mind, and I also just taught an international FIDM student the word "sexile."

So, first thought on choosing my scene in acting class.
What I heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice."
What I should have heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice BECAUSE YOU'D BE PLAYING YOURSELF."
Oh, that's a problem. I can't let myself go when I'm acting because I keep ending up with characters who have the same issues I do. How the fuck am I supposed to fix them if I can't fix myself? (Therapy was supposed to help a little with that. It kinda did.)
I actually asked Zane about what I should do when the imaginary reality blends with the real one. We're not sure, I don't think.

This will be good. It has to be. I have trouble because I'm unwilling to be fully vulnerable, and fucking "go there." This is my chance. My mother-fucking chance.
Except, I realized tonight that I worry more about my scene partners liking me than I do about the scene. That's probably not good for my work.

Now time for more lists. Things to know about me:
-I find honesty cathartic, full-blown, balls-out honesty. I'm an open book if you know the right questions to ask.
-I actually do run through traffic. I have a record of times in a day that I've almost been hit by a bus (it's 3).
-I also kinda enjoy walking over street grates. This leads to a lot of Marilyn Monroe moments, and I feel like eventually I'm going to fall down when one breaks.
-I'm still committed to way too many things, and right about now I feel like my life is going in a circle. Everything that's happened has somehow happened before. I'm completely unsurprised, and I feel like maybe I should be happier than I am.

What I really need is my old support system: Colby, Mackie, Breanna, Lauren. I don't think I have a strong enough one here. I'm connecting with people. I have friends. I'm okay, but I feel like I'm not really enough.
Zane says, "The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we're not enough."
Quite often
I'm NOT enough. Can't see it any other way. I guess I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet,

Speaking of books, I'm writing a lot more than usual. It's a good thing. If you want, I'll let you read something.

I'm no Superman

In California, I can back into a parking space, and animals eat out of my hand. The man at the gas station counter told me I was beautiful, and I'm pretty sure it was because I was buying a homeless person a snack. Life is so much better here. I wish more people were happy.

I do things very deliberately. I try so hard to be nice, and yet I amaze myself with how unpleasant I am on occasion. One thing to realize about me is that I will rarely ever lie.
I do things pragmatically, and as much as I love to be spontaneous, I plan or think about everything. I'm never not inside my own head. There's pretty much a reason behind everything I do. I realize that I gave myself a finite amount of time to make exclusively bad decisions, and most of them had names. I miss that time, but I choose my bad decisions carefully now. It's works.

November is my favorite month. It's 70 degrees and sunny right now. This year the election makes November a little more stressful. Losing sleep, losing weight. I don't know. At least it'll all be over in three days. I hope I survive. :/