hum hallelujah, just off the key of reason

I haven't written this in a while, and Roommate reads it, so I might as well. I'm shaky and I still can't sleep. Fourteen hours in four and a half days. What the hell, Mary,

I'm fine. Classes are going really well, if uneventful. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I never do. I know what I want to be doing. We'll see about that on Friday, I don't know. It's kind of hard to sustain a positive attitude, but I've managed so far this year.

I got a cat. She's great. I rescued her from the shelter. She'd been there for three months. I don't know how much longer they would have let her live. It's sad. :(
I remember the reason I wanted a cat in the first place, way back at the beginning, was because people with pets live longer, and I needed anything I could get. Now that she's here, I can't imagine a time when she wasn't. It's helping.
She's freaked out by the reflection in the mirror. You and me both, kitty.

Speaking of mirrors, I saw the film by the same name, with Kiefer Sutherland, He acts well, and it was nice to watch.
It got me thinking about scary movies, why I like them. Generally, I'm not afraid of them. I just enjoy watching them. I realized that behind all the cheesy or gory SFX, there must be at least some tiny element of originality within the plotline, even if the entire movie proceeds predictably, even if it's not well written, or well acted. It can still be enjoyed.

It also got me thinking about the things that we're afraid of. I'm not scared by movies that feature demons, possession, ghosts, etcetera. I think it's because even if those things do exist, they aren't malignant forces. I'm frightened by films that feature the evil that men do, the things we do to each other. The most frightening film I've ever seen is the Strangers. I love the Hostel films, but it scares me that they're plausible. Same with the concept of the Saw films, but the situation is slightly less plausible. All in all, I really love original ideas in films. La dee da,

And I still grind my fucking teeth. Good job, Mary.

either way, I'll break your heart someday.

So, first I have a story. Then, I have thoughts.

Story: I was driving home to my apartment a couple of nights agp, and when I turned in to go through the gate, I saw a homeless man wandering around in front of it. I pulled forward really slowly, and my headlights made it a little ominous. When he saw me, he just stopped right in front of my car and kind of marched and danced in place. I saw the doorman coming out to usher him away, but I wasn't concerned. All I was thinking was, "I hope he's happy. In this moment, I hope he is happy."

Then, thoughts:
I've never had to worry about people thinking I'm shallow. Much the opposite for the most part. But, I started to realize that maybe Zane thought I was shallow. I had one shot to fix that or in my acting class, and in directing class, I was just going to be the shallow, dumb blonde. So, I took a shot, and now there's 20 people who see me for the depressed mess I really am, the one you saw in Nashville, and my life is a little more authentic. It's okay. I have upwards of 100 who see me as perky and fun and happy, if a little vapid and fake.

On a completely unrelated subject, I cannot imagine buying a foreclosed house and living in it. You're basically sitting on top of someone else's misery.

These days, I'm finding out just how unorganized non-profits are. I went to Kitten Rescue and picked out a cat, and the woman has not called me back. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess if it's not meant to be, so be it.

This week, I've been down a little more than I've been up. I can attribute it to caffeine addiction, weather shifts, hormones, disrupted sleep patterns, and the longest week ever.
I am a little exhausted, but I'm hopeful. I have hope, and I'm no longer a big, freaky trainwreck.

I have hope, but sometimes it's too easy to feel very alone. I'm sorry about missing Angie and Barbara's party, but these days I'm a little more than exhausted. I don't quite have the words.

it's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave.

I can't believe I'm going to leave these people. I want them to come and live with me forever.
I can't believe California is eventually going to fall off of the country. I'll probably die.
I can't believe this thing about the volcano. I'm really upset.
I can't believe this trip is almost over. It's been good. For once.