it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.

Wow. That last post was as depressing as I ever want to get on here. Not again.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately. For most of the people I know, Catherine especially, home is where your family is (I include friends in that as well). That's not the case with me, nor has it ever been. For me, home is a concrete place. It's big and it has a name. Like a city, Like Los Angeles. That's home right now. In a couple of years, we'll see.

I watched Enchanted tonight. My biggest critique of it is that it wasn't ironic enough. It really was a fairytale, which is why I didn't want to watch it in the first place. If I want a fairy tale, I'll watch Amelie. At least that has sex.

You know, I almost typed "If I was a fairy tale." That's interesting.
Something to think about. Maybe just because I'm a writer.
Except, I need to be writing again. I like directing though. I could see it being something that made me happy in the long-term.
This is new. This is good.

I have a lot to think about.

ps: I bought lingerie today. Shopping makes me happy too. It's funny that I didn't really know that.

leave your conscience at the door.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the only person who feels like real friendship isn't about compromise and sacrifice and bargaining.
Real friends don't manipulate each other, It's not about what you can get or what you have to give up.
I'm sick. I don't know anymore.
Compleat Female Stage Beauty ended tonight. I miss it already. I was working the sound and even though my legs would cramp from not moving, it was such a great experience because I got to watch these immensely talented people in their element. Everyone cared and everyone was amazing.
It hurt, because it made me miss acting and it made me remember why I love it.
And it made me realize that I'll never feel good enough to put myself out there the way they do. I lost that audacity. I had it once, and knowing that hurts even more.
Some days I have no idea what I want and other days it's so clear. I want the world, everything. I want to help people. I want to love people. I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be someone worthy of loving.
I want to stop writing blogs that sound overly melodramatic. I want to write something meaningful again.
I want to write my essay, but my topic is so depressing that I can't focus. (We had to pick a subtopic of the death penalty to write on. I chose mental illness and I'm reading about a case where a man was forcibly medicated to render him competent for execution. Singleton v. Norris if you're interested.)
It's ironic. My roommate and her friend are watching Rent in the next room. It's really really loud, and What You Own just came on. That's been one of those songs that I take as a sort of anthem since I first heard it. It helps.
I think too much. I have a lot to do.
It's ridiculous that I'm worried about being behind in choir. It's ridiculous that I don't know where I'm living next year but I forgot to break my housing contract so now I have to pay a fine. It's ridiculous that I don't have a major but I've already picked out three minors.
Why doesn't any of this make me happy? That's ridiculous too.

I shall hear, though soft your tread above me

I cried tonight for the first time in a long time.
There was just a lot going on. There is still a lot going on. I'm just...busy.
But I have my shit together. That's what's important. That's what's always important.
God, no more being melodramatic. It's ridiculous and unneccessary.
I'm directing a short piece for the WTO Festival (April 8th, 9th, and 10th.) It was written by my friend Jason, and it's going to be amazing. We have our first read-through on Sunday, so I'll update on how that's going.
I'm exhausted, and I think I'm getting sick again.
I'm watching some really good movies, reading good books, feeling guilty about both. I should be getting more done than I am.
It makes me sad that I feel guilty about doing things that make me happy.
I really need some sleep.
I miss people. Not going to say who, You'd be surprised.
My voice recital is March 28th at 4. Please come.