I haven't written this in a while, and Roommate reads it, so I might as well. I'm shaky and I still can't sleep. Fourteen hours in four and a half days. What the hell, Mary,
I'm fine. Classes are going really well, if uneventful. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I never do. I know what I want to be doing. We'll see about that on Friday, I don't know. It's kind of hard to sustain a positive attitude, but I've managed so far this year.
I got a cat. She's great. I rescued her from the shelter. She'd been there for three months. I don't know how much longer they would have let her live. It's sad. :(
I remember the reason I wanted a cat in the first place, way back at the beginning, was because people with pets live longer, and I needed anything I could get. Now that she's here, I can't imagine a time when she wasn't. It's helping.
She's freaked out by the reflection in the mirror. You and me both, kitty.
Speaking of mirrors, I saw the film by the same name, with Kiefer Sutherland, He acts well, and it was nice to watch.
It got me thinking about scary movies, why I like them. Generally, I'm not afraid of them. I just enjoy watching them. I realized that behind all the cheesy or gory SFX, there must be at least some tiny element of originality within the plotline, even if the entire movie proceeds predictably, even if it's not well written, or well acted. It can still be enjoyed.
It also got me thinking about the things that we're afraid of. I'm not scared by movies that feature demons, possession, ghosts, etcetera. I think it's because even if those things do exist, they aren't malignant forces. I'm frightened by films that feature the evil that men do, the things we do to each other. The most frightening film I've ever seen is the Strangers. I love the Hostel films, but it scares me that they're plausible. Same with the concept of the Saw films, but the situation is slightly less plausible. All in all, I really love original ideas in films. La dee da,
And I still grind my fucking teeth. Good job, Mary.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
either way, I'll break your heart someday.
So, first I have a story. Then, I have thoughts.
Story: I was driving home to my apartment a couple of nights agp, and when I turned in to go through the gate, I saw a homeless man wandering around in front of it. I pulled forward really slowly, and my headlights made it a little ominous. When he saw me, he just stopped right in front of my car and kind of marched and danced in place. I saw the doorman coming out to usher him away, but I wasn't concerned. All I was thinking was, "I hope he's happy. In this moment, I hope he is happy."
Then, thoughts:
I've never had to worry about people thinking I'm shallow. Much the opposite for the most part. But, I started to realize that maybe Zane thought I was shallow. I had one shot to fix that or in my acting class, and in directing class, I was just going to be the shallow, dumb blonde. So, I took a shot, and now there's 20 people who see me for the depressed mess I really am, the one you saw in Nashville, and my life is a little more authentic. It's okay. I have upwards of 100 who see me as perky and fun and happy, if a little vapid and fake.
On a completely unrelated subject, I cannot imagine buying a foreclosed house and living in it. You're basically sitting on top of someone else's misery.
These days, I'm finding out just how unorganized non-profits are. I went to Kitten Rescue and picked out a cat, and the woman has not called me back. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess if it's not meant to be, so be it.
This week, I've been down a little more than I've been up. I can attribute it to caffeine addiction, weather shifts, hormones, disrupted sleep patterns, and the longest week ever.
I am a little exhausted, but I'm hopeful. I have hope, and I'm no longer a big, freaky trainwreck.
I have hope, but sometimes it's too easy to feel very alone. I'm sorry about missing Angie and Barbara's party, but these days I'm a little more than exhausted. I don't quite have the words.
Story: I was driving home to my apartment a couple of nights agp, and when I turned in to go through the gate, I saw a homeless man wandering around in front of it. I pulled forward really slowly, and my headlights made it a little ominous. When he saw me, he just stopped right in front of my car and kind of marched and danced in place. I saw the doorman coming out to usher him away, but I wasn't concerned. All I was thinking was, "I hope he's happy. In this moment, I hope he is happy."
Then, thoughts:
I've never had to worry about people thinking I'm shallow. Much the opposite for the most part. But, I started to realize that maybe Zane thought I was shallow. I had one shot to fix that or in my acting class, and in directing class, I was just going to be the shallow, dumb blonde. So, I took a shot, and now there's 20 people who see me for the depressed mess I really am, the one you saw in Nashville, and my life is a little more authentic. It's okay. I have upwards of 100 who see me as perky and fun and happy, if a little vapid and fake.
On a completely unrelated subject, I cannot imagine buying a foreclosed house and living in it. You're basically sitting on top of someone else's misery.
These days, I'm finding out just how unorganized non-profits are. I went to Kitten Rescue and picked out a cat, and the woman has not called me back. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess if it's not meant to be, so be it.
This week, I've been down a little more than I've been up. I can attribute it to caffeine addiction, weather shifts, hormones, disrupted sleep patterns, and the longest week ever.
I am a little exhausted, but I'm hopeful. I have hope, and I'm no longer a big, freaky trainwreck.
I have hope, but sometimes it's too easy to feel very alone. I'm sorry about missing Angie and Barbara's party, but these days I'm a little more than exhausted. I don't quite have the words.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
it's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave.
I can't believe I'm going to leave these people. I want them to come and live with me forever.
I can't believe California is eventually going to fall off of the country. I'll probably die.
I can't believe this thing about the volcano. I'm really upset.
I can't believe this trip is almost over. It's been good. For once.
I can't believe California is eventually going to fall off of the country. I'll probably die.
I can't believe this thing about the volcano. I'm really upset.
I can't believe this trip is almost over. It's been good. For once.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
if god came down on christmas day, i know exactly what he'd say
I think coming back to Nashville was such a bad idea. I was wrong about so many things.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
it's only you I'm thinking of
Here's an interesting one.
New Years Resolutions I've kept (not in chronological order, that's just weird):
- Vegetarianism
- Lose 10 pounds (lost 35 at one point. Oops?)
- Stop one bad habit. Start another. I really can't say what those are. I think it's easy enough to guess.
I don't make them very frequently, because I do keep them, and when you consider my history of not sticking with things, you'll understand. There's been a lot of years where I haven't made them. I can only remember 4 off the top of my head.
This year will be interesting, because I have a big one: no more trainwrecks. I'm not sure that's ever been accomplished. I may need your help. It's starting to make me a little nervous. I had a good time being a hot mess this semester. A girl can't go through life like that, though. Not and still make something out of herself. It's a myspace world.
I think now is as good a time as ever to point out how much I hate the holidays, any holiday with a Judeo-Christian origin at least. They've all become so commercialized that we're basically celebrating food, love, and presents. I'm totally okay with that. I like food and love and presents, but I like them everyday. I like buying people presents for the hell of it, just randomly. I like spreading joy and love every day. We'd be able to eradicate a lot more poverty and solve a lot more problems if people gave of themselves to charity as much as they do one or two days a year. We could really help people. I'm an atheist because I don't need a god to make me nice. I like Valentine's Day because it's a holiday that centers around good feeling, love, bright colors, flowers. People ignore it, mock it, avoid it like the plague, and it still goes on. I like spreading love.
Christmas is unavoidable, and if you hate it you may as well be the devil. I hate it. I'll do the things I do on Christmas every day if it will make the world a better place. I just can't get over sometimes how much the world is ignoring. Maybe being in a recession will do this country some good.
http://www.46664.com http://www.halfofus.com http://www.one.org http://www.enoughproject.org
I care about those things. Maybe some other people will too.
Let's talk about birthdays. I hate my own. I really try to avoid it, and I do a pretty good job. I can count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated it and been happy.
- 17: Picnic in the park with Andrea, Lauren, Elliott, Jenni, Tiffany and Becky. That was a good day.
- 18: Scary movie and Starbucks with Mackie. We talked about college, weddings, and other people. I miss that night, just sitting on some steps and talking. I miss nights like that.
- 19: Dinner with friends at some random diner. Seeing how many people we could cram into Megan's car. Good times. I don't think I have the energy to ever try to plan something like that again. Celebrations are exhausting. It was fun to have a girls night, though.
I love giving people shit for their birthdays. I either buy stuff, or I bake. If you at any point insinuate to me that you want something, it's yours. But like I said, I don't see why I can't do that every day, not just your birthday.
Here's to hoping these random bursts of altruism offset some of my worse qualities. After all, it's Christmas, motherfuckers.
(On a final note, I'd like to mention that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are serious so much cooler than xxxmas. I'd love to get to celebrate either one of them. Stupid family.)
New Years Resolutions I've kept (not in chronological order, that's just weird):
- Vegetarianism
- Lose 10 pounds (lost 35 at one point. Oops?)
- Stop one bad habit. Start another. I really can't say what those are. I think it's easy enough to guess.
I don't make them very frequently, because I do keep them, and when you consider my history of not sticking with things, you'll understand. There's been a lot of years where I haven't made them. I can only remember 4 off the top of my head.
This year will be interesting, because I have a big one: no more trainwrecks. I'm not sure that's ever been accomplished. I may need your help. It's starting to make me a little nervous. I had a good time being a hot mess this semester. A girl can't go through life like that, though. Not and still make something out of herself. It's a myspace world.
I think now is as good a time as ever to point out how much I hate the holidays, any holiday with a Judeo-Christian origin at least. They've all become so commercialized that we're basically celebrating food, love, and presents. I'm totally okay with that. I like food and love and presents, but I like them everyday. I like buying people presents for the hell of it, just randomly. I like spreading joy and love every day. We'd be able to eradicate a lot more poverty and solve a lot more problems if people gave of themselves to charity as much as they do one or two days a year. We could really help people. I'm an atheist because I don't need a god to make me nice. I like Valentine's Day because it's a holiday that centers around good feeling, love, bright colors, flowers. People ignore it, mock it, avoid it like the plague, and it still goes on. I like spreading love.
Christmas is unavoidable, and if you hate it you may as well be the devil. I hate it. I'll do the things I do on Christmas every day if it will make the world a better place. I just can't get over sometimes how much the world is ignoring. Maybe being in a recession will do this country some good.
http://www.46664.com http://www.halfofus.com http://www.one.org http://www.enoughproject.org
I care about those things. Maybe some other people will too.
Let's talk about birthdays. I hate my own. I really try to avoid it, and I do a pretty good job. I can count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated it and been happy.
- 17: Picnic in the park with Andrea, Lauren, Elliott, Jenni, Tiffany and Becky. That was a good day.
- 18: Scary movie and Starbucks with Mackie. We talked about college, weddings, and other people. I miss that night, just sitting on some steps and talking. I miss nights like that.
- 19: Dinner with friends at some random diner. Seeing how many people we could cram into Megan's car. Good times. I don't think I have the energy to ever try to plan something like that again. Celebrations are exhausting. It was fun to have a girls night, though.
I love giving people shit for their birthdays. I either buy stuff, or I bake. If you at any point insinuate to me that you want something, it's yours. But like I said, I don't see why I can't do that every day, not just your birthday.
Here's to hoping these random bursts of altruism offset some of my worse qualities. After all, it's Christmas, motherfuckers.
(On a final note, I'd like to mention that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are serious so much cooler than xxxmas. I'd love to get to celebrate either one of them. Stupid family.)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I know it's unlikely she'll ever be mine
Finals that went well: Directing, Acting, Terrorism and Genocide, French
Finals that went okay: Songwriting, Dance- there's a story to this. I could only find one of my shoes, so I danced in stockings for the first time ever. I left my ipod in my apartment, and with 10 minutes before my exam I ran out to my car, grabbed a mix cd, and picked a new song. It was twice as fast as the first one. I ran out of choreography and so I just started moving. Oh, boy. At least it ended.
Here's another list of "interesting" things I've realized lately:
-I'm obsessed with cappuccino foam
-I've been eating yogurt with a fork
-On that subject, eating in front of people is literally like being naked. It's okay with good friends, and it's okay in large groups where no one is paying attention. With everyone else, it feels a little awkward, and with certain people it's unacceptable.
-I'm sort of a domestic goddess. I made brownies with nuts in them today. My friend Sarah had never had one before. They turned out well.
And now for something even more interesting.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
I keep mine, you know.
-No more trainwreck
-No more hot mess
-I'm going to get my shit together
-Auditions
-Workout journal
-Comp card
-Manager
-Relationship? We'll see.
I won't exactly be home for Christmas. I don't really like holidays. I'm going to get a cat when I get back to Los Angeles. Then, when I get back, I'm not leaving. Means I need to see everyone that I left behind in Nashville when I'm back over the holiday. I'd make a list, but they know who they are. It's not that big of a city.
Things I like in Nashville:
-Cafe Coco
-Bongo Java
-Calypso Cafe
-Fido
-Sitar
-Tarboosh
-Yogurt Oasis
-Hillsboro Village (good shopping there)
So, one dessert place, one Indian restaurant, one hookah bar, one boho district, and four coffee shops that serve food. Anything there that I can't get in Los Angeles?
Finals that went okay: Songwriting, Dance- there's a story to this. I could only find one of my shoes, so I danced in stockings for the first time ever. I left my ipod in my apartment, and with 10 minutes before my exam I ran out to my car, grabbed a mix cd, and picked a new song. It was twice as fast as the first one. I ran out of choreography and so I just started moving. Oh, boy. At least it ended.
Here's another list of "interesting" things I've realized lately:
-I'm obsessed with cappuccino foam
-I've been eating yogurt with a fork
-On that subject, eating in front of people is literally like being naked. It's okay with good friends, and it's okay in large groups where no one is paying attention. With everyone else, it feels a little awkward, and with certain people it's unacceptable.
-I'm sort of a domestic goddess. I made brownies with nuts in them today. My friend Sarah had never had one before. They turned out well.
And now for something even more interesting.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
I keep mine, you know.
-No more trainwreck
-No more hot mess
-I'm going to get my shit together
-Auditions
-Workout journal
-Comp card
-Manager
-Relationship? We'll see.
I won't exactly be home for Christmas. I don't really like holidays. I'm going to get a cat when I get back to Los Angeles. Then, when I get back, I'm not leaving. Means I need to see everyone that I left behind in Nashville when I'm back over the holiday. I'd make a list, but they know who they are. It's not that big of a city.
Things I like in Nashville:
-Cafe Coco
-Bongo Java
-Calypso Cafe
-Fido
-Sitar
-Tarboosh
-Yogurt Oasis
-Hillsboro Village (good shopping there)
So, one dessert place, one Indian restaurant, one hookah bar, one boho district, and four coffee shops that serve food. Anything there that I can't get in Los Angeles?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Time to share. Things to know. I think in everyday conversation, this would be christened 'TMI'.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.
What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.
I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.
I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.
What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.
I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.
I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.
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