hands up, they're playing my song

I haven't been on this in a while.

Observations: I can kind of see the future. I'm the goddess of backup plans. I'm not being very nice to men lately.

What makes us acclimate to losing? I could quote that Marianna Williamson speech, but do I really need to?
Well, okay.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other."

There you go.

I have things to do.
Obviously, because why else would I be up at 1:30am? I'm only getting up in five hours anyway.

this time, you're listening.

I have a cat.
I have a tattoo.
I have friends that I can trust.

I have music.
I have love.
I have the freedom to criticize the government when they make decisions I don't agree with.

I have air conditioning
and running water
and clean clothes.

I'm so lucky. I'm grateful. I'm going to give back.

I have a lot to live up to.

Happy 4th of July, everybody.

she will never say where she came from.

Short term goals:
-Posing in front of a camera
-Making it to 25
-Learning to play the piano

Long tern goals:
-World Peace
-Happiness

If you can help me achieve any of these, I'll pretty much love you forever.

I should probably stop walking in front of buses, cutting across 4 lanes of traffic, eating raw food, and not-sleeping.
Then again, I should probably do a lot of things.
It's kind of funny that one of my catchphrases has become "I make bad decisions."
Or it was. Not so much anymore. I make okay decisions, just like everyone else.

This blog was a stupid idea, They always are.
I think I'll keep it. Like I said, I make bad decisions.

.

I'm grateful to live in a country where we can protest peacefully in the face of injustice, and win.

It's not enough, and I don't know what will be, but I'm still grateful, and I have hope, if not faith.

like a rootless tree.

I knew LA would come through for me. :)

Sometimes my chest hurts. Sometimes I shake. That's living. When you love the world, and the world hurts itself, you hurt. We only hurt the ones we love. We tell each other, "Love yourselves." Is it any wonder we ended up this way?

Fuck it. I have more to say elsewhere.

this isn't for the better.

I truly feel pretty heinous right now. It's silly, because I have the best friends on the planet, an agent that likes me, an audition scheduled for next week, I was blessed enough to be okay looking and to have enough intelligence to know better.
And it still feels like not-enough. I'm shaking a bit right now. Earlier I cried for the first time since March, pretty much because my head was in a very weird place and I couldn't get out of it.
And then I sent out some text messages and felt better. And I got things done, and I'm still getting things done, and I feel ridiculous sometimes, but my life is my life.
And my choices are my choices.
And I have good days and I have bad days.
And I eat the same amount of calories every day, and I'm okay with that.
And I make choices that aren't the smartest, or the healthiest.
And I get scared and freak out every once in a while.
And I've managed to put myself in a situation where I can no longer run away.

But you know what? It's okay. It's fine.
Because I made myself a promise. My New Year's Resolution, actually.
So if I can't run, I'll stay and meet this shit head-on. It's hard not to freak out every once in a while when you meet yourself face-to-face.

If you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Nietzche
"You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love."

Oh, life is silly. I can't count the times I've done something stupid this week, something that could have gotten me killed. I think that's just how we're meant to live. It's just that there are times when it sucks to be aware of it.

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

I haven't worn a white shirt to the gym in forever. They aren't very flattering. Today, I was wearing a comfy white tanktop and was pretty okay with it until I realized that I was walking straight into one of the VERY few thunderstorms Los Angeles has per year. Of course, it was day that I didn't have a jacket. Why would I need a jacket? It's summer in California.

Speaking of jackets, I've been really frustrated the last few weeks because I couldn't find my brown sweatshirt? I couldn't find it because I'd hung it up in my closet. Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Speaking of nothing in particular, my left arm is covered in scratches. My cat likes to bite down and hold on. It's her favorite game. Despite all of that, I feel so blessed and so lucky. I can't believe I almost didn't have her.

so we just hold on.

There are people who live their whole lives according to expectations, their own or someone else's. They live according to a plan and they follow the path of least resistance, and things work out...until one day they don't. Someone gets hurt, a disaster happens and you're forced to realize what's really important. Those least resistance people are the ones most likely to fall apart, either that or they rise to the occasion and emerge changed.
Then, there are people who follow their passion and do what they want to do, whether it makes them successful, rich, famous, or nothing at all. They do what makes them happy and along with that, they live their lives.
These two types of people are equally well liked, and there is no real way to measure their success or their satisfaction. Some people live passionlessly, but are satisfied with the life they've achieved, and some people live with fire and passion but are never satisfied and never good enough for themselves.
I think they trick is striking a balance. It's hard.

Although, actually? That's kind of the trick to everything.

this is what livin' like this does.

I never thought I would miss Fido, but I do. I miss Fido and I miss Cafe Coco and I miss there being one of three trendy locations where we could go and feel like hipsters, and I miss sitting outside in the freezing cold so one or all of us could smoke.
I don't miss Nashville, and sitting alone being miserable without even a car, but I miss you guys. You know who you are. It's a little tough being out here on my own, and realizing that for all that I'm much more interesting than I was, I'm also doing something monumentally stupid in a lot of ways, and there's no one really here to catch me if I fall.
I just though you should know that I love you, and I miss you. Even if I am home, and Los Angeles is infinitely better than anywhere else I could be, there's nothing that will stop me from wishing you were here. I do.

If you're wondering, I figured out what it's going to take to get me a boyfriend. If you don't have this, don't bother. Really.
I want a boy with a guitar to show up on a flying unicorn, and I want him to ask me out via messenger pigeon: "Will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no," and then I want him to play me a song like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za9Y2HFhV74.
If he's rich and attractive, that's great too. In fact, since it's my fantasy, he's the Rockstar Prince of Attractiveland. Intellectually, he's my equal or he's smarter than me but he hates math and doesn't read much, and we can talk about things like pop culture and philosophy with equal enthusiasm. Maybe in attractiveland, they don't have celebrities because everyone's attractive, and so people are taken on the merits of their character? I could get into that.
And, because I'm me, the guy would have to be kind of an asshole. Just, yeah. And I'd probably walk away, or maybe I'd run.

But he would chase after me, with his flying unicorn. I think we'll name it Snowflake.

and they put you in the ground.

So, the weekend's over. Right after that last post, I went to a party. While I was there, I got the best compliment I could have ever received, from a really awesome friend. "You genuinely like people and you care about them and you want to be connected to them."
It felt really good to hear that, because most of the time, i really think of myself as kind of a failed attempt at a person. I try to be friendly, and approachable, and supportive. I give compliments like candy and I spread love like an STD and it still gets me nowhere. Say be yourself and I'm there. I'm doing it, but it's still putting on a show. Always, always, always with a pose, and the same running inner monologue (Pleaselikeme.Pleaselikeme.Pleaselikeme,orIwillNEVERbegoodenough.) It sucks to realize that I still think like that. I honestly thought I was over it. It doesn't rule my life anymore, but there are times when it physically hurts to be in public.
Then again, I've realized something else. All of this actually has happened before. I'm just getting that feeling again, where it's time to run away and do something else. Except, I can't run. I swore I would settle down in Los Angeles, finally. Now that i was happy and doing what I needed to. I settled. I got a cat. I got an apartment. I made a few feeble attempts to get a boyfriend before I realized that most of the guys who would date me are kind of lame. I'm just not that kind of girl, I guess.
So, nowhere to run. I used to run away and hide in clothes racks or in the backyard when I was little. Sometimes I would even go down the street. Miracle I wasn't kidnapped, especially now that Nashville is in the top 15 most dangerous cities list. I'm lucky to be alive, I know that.
No more running. Let's just stick around and see where my feet end up while they're on the ground.

a little unbroken.

This is ridiculous. I do this every year.
In Spring, I have flashback to previous Springs, almost never to times when I was happy because there weren't many of those. This is the best year I've had in a long time, and all I can think about is the months I spent losing friends, hating myself, and being in love with people I shouldn't have been (high school was very dramatic, in it's own quiet way).
I have three body piercings, an agent, at least seven people I can call my good friends, at least two people I know are interested in me- even if I don't reciprocate it because I'm not a very available person, a draft of a script, a schedule for next year, and two parties this weekend.
It's amazing. I'm looking at these people who are beautiful, fun, smart, and very likable, and I'm realizing that they feel just as alone as I do. God, we suck, humanity.
I think I may just be in a funk this weekend. I haven't gotten much sleep.
It's not even the weekend. It's Thursday.

don't forget.

I was beginning to wonder if this year didn't count. It's been such an awkward, in-between stage in my life that I was really starting to wonder if I should just take the year off, like, of life. I've been thinking a lot.

So, I got chewed out by a teacher in front of my friends for making a bad personal and professional call. It didn't ruin my day. A year ago, it would have. I'd have walked around in a funk with nothing but that on my mind and it's what I would have remembered about my 19th birthday. Instead, I walked out with my head held high and a small smile and chalked it up to life in general. I'd admitted that I was wrong, stood by my decision, and gotten ripped a new one. Yay life experience.
Then, I began to wonder if I should feel bad about that- not feeling bad. I realized that, now that I'm not constantly worried about being judged and criticized by others, I'm not really sure what constitutes personal integrity, or where my priorities lie. It's shown this year. I've skipped classes, changed my major, dropped a course, and made some very interesting personal choices.

I couldn't be happier. I was better liked when I was depressed.
For the first time, my over-arching priority wasn't making good grades and making other people like me (or not-notice me). It was making myself into a stable, functional person, one that might live to 25.
That took some trial and error. Honestly, I never properly learned how to organize or prioritize very well. To-do lists and schedules were strongly recommended to me, but they only work if you stick to them. And the things you care about change really fast. I think we have an infinite capacity for love, like we have an infinite capacity for thought, but we don't really use it, and I'm learning how much energy it takes to care deeply about everything you become involved with. Eventually something's gotta give. That's life.

This year, that something isn't me. This year, I'm not the worlds most likable trainwreck. I'm not the mot successful jerk either, but I'm close. It's hard, knowing what you want and going after it when you're worried about everything that goes down in between. I'm learning, though, and that's good. I still care about people, places, things. I just care about myself too. Finding a balance is kind of scary, but I've never felt more centered. Maybe I can use that to help people? God knows I want to.

I'm still fighting an eating disorder.
I'm still fighting heavy anxiety.
It's just- now, my life isn't about the fight.
It's about what I'm fighting for.

The end. Happy 20, me.

and there are storms we cannot weather.

I think it's the fatigue. I know I'm pretty happy, but I haven't slept in days. Actually, I started that sentence yesterday and forgot about it. I went to bed at 12:40 last night. I woke up at 6. Fucking insomnia. It hasn't been like this in years.

Then again, I'm usually doing something. Talking to people. Writing. Something. That's pretty okay with me.

Mary operates in kind of a general altruism. It serves her, and it doesn't. Mary refers to herself in the third person, and sometimes she keeps her thoughts to herself.

I'm always in the weirdest mood around my birthday. Thankfully, I've had two very specific things to keep my mind off of it, and a plethora of people. I forgot it was tomorrow. Oh god. I actually feel unwell about that prospect. That's okay, though. I'm not going to tell anybody.

Here's some backstory. I don't give backstory very often, because I don't think of it very often. In an ideal world (for my parents), I'd have been conceived on their wedding night, which means I would have been born in late September (or August, because I was premature). Of course, in that ideal world, I'd be turning 36 this year. I'd probably be married, a lawyer, and Catholic. I'd probably be boring. That or I'd be dead. These are some interesting thoughts. I'm glad I'm where I am now. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I have more than one. I feel like I'm around the people I need to be. I feel like I have people to love. (Love is the law, bitches.)

It's the first time in a long time that I'm not horribly depressed. I'm exhausted, and a tiny bit stressed, not to mention my body seems to hate me, but I'm still happy, smiling, and I want to live. I could attribute that to one of two people, or I could attribute it to me, I'm not arrogant. Thanks, guys.

my dear acquaintance, a happy new year.

There is such truth in music. It's the only thing you can't be unmoved by.
I'm glad I'm writing again.

I'm realizing that it's far more exhausting pretending that something isn't getting to you than it is actually having it get to you. I have a lot to do, and I'm realizing that I made a couple of very questionable choices. (More thoughts on my work blog soon http://mzenani.wordpress.com
Everything I do comes down to choices- I choose who I love. I choose my mentors. I choose my classes. I choose what I pay attention to.
The only thing I don't choose is the people I'm loyal to. The ones I'll do anything for. Those still surprise me. There is a list. You might be on it.

There's always a list.

I made a list recently of five reasons why I should have high self-esteem. Two of them are names. Three of them are stories. It's the stories that I'll tell.
Two complete strangers asked me for my number last week- one in the gym, and one at the Vitamin Shoppe. Just, out of the blue.
They both texted me. I never really got back to them.

Story #2. I was a little more dressed up than usual, a nice dress and heels (this was last Wednesday), and I was stressed and tired and on my way to a meeting in the evening. On my way over, an older woman leaned out of the passenger side of a very beat-up van and shouted to me, "Hold. Your. Head. Up. You're too pretty to be looking so sad." Instinctively, I looked up and straightened my shoulders, and she shouted, "There! Now you look hot!" I've never felt so bolstered and supported by the universe. It's been a hard one, and that story is keeping me smiling, for the most part.

Story #3: I was doing a photoshoot in a park in Angeleno Heights, and there was a large group of kids nearby. They copped an attitude and made a lot of comments, but this was my favorite conversation.
"Excuse me, ma'am, are you a model?"
"Yeah."
"What kind of model? Like magazines?"
"I bet it's porno. Is it porno?"
"No, I don't do porno."
"Can I have your autograph?"
"You got a pen and paper?"
"Aw, man! Well, can I have your number?'
"I thought you didn't have a pen?"
One of them followed us back to the car just to tell me he thought I was beautiful. Then he ran away. I'm so happy I live in Los Angeles.

My birthday is soon. I don't like my birthday. :(

you won't be seventeen forever.

I miss Laser tag.
And bumper cars.
I don't miss panic attacks and social anxiety.
But I really do miss easy fun.

I accidentally went shopping for antiques today. Who does that? I felt old.
For someone who thought she was washed up at 18, I guess that makes sense.

I almost set my entire kitchen on fire tonight. A paper towel caught, and then it ripped into two pieces. I couldn't get either one to go out in my hand, and then I dropped them both on two bags of groceries and doused them in cranberry juice to put them out. Then I stood there, staring at the black and red mess covering my floor and I had a moment really like this one- the broken mirror, where I just took it all in for a moment thinking, "Well, okay. This is an interesting life experience."

It's been a good night.

Thought for the day. This is a quote from my friend's blog. I think it speaks for itself, and it sums up how I've been living lately. In the last two weeks, I've made a lot of choices. Some that scare me. But I can't helping trusting myself. It's gotten me this far. I trust myself and I trust the world around me. Even still:

"sometimes i forget what kind of person i am, and it's strange to see bits of myself reflected in someone else's eyes."
Thanks, friend, for saying what I couldn't articulate, for all that I have words.

sally can wait. she knows it's too late.

I'm in the business of being what people need me to be. I figured that out.

This is probably the most surreal and true conversation I've had.
"You're the kind of girl all guys want to meet and never do."
"No, I'm the kind of girl all guys think they want to meet, until they do."
"Yeah, that's probably right."

I have thoughts, and I have words. I have actions. I have words. I'm not going to be sleeping tonight. I know that. Too much to do. No worries.

These days, no one gets to see me cry. I'm dancing, starting next week.

My best friend from childhood is in town. I'm so happy. I needed this. She reminds me of when we were both different people, better.

I need to write my cast. It's only 12:19. I'm okay. I have caffeine.

I turn my head to the east.

My chest hurts.

This doesn't help as much as I thought it would.


Why are people so angry? I don't want to live in an angry world. :(

this is the first day of my life.

More things to know about me:

I'm very pragmatic. I win at pragmatism.
I like snuggling. It's my favorite.
I had a really good night last night. Thanks RO.
I really am all about love. It's a little ridiculous. I shared quite a bit last night.

That's okay. Truth is beauty, beauty truth, right? Keats?
Oh! Hi there, English nerd. We missed you.

excuses, and ashes, and fortified wine

I know I said no more blogs, but- whatever.

Today was not a good day. Today was actually pretty rough. Nothing went right, at all. I'm feeling kind of drained, very if I'm honest, and tonight is going to be long.

This weekend was interesting. I'm not completely sure how to feel about it, but like it when things are interesting. Lately, I've been smiling more.

I was feeling dangerously close to trainwreck earlier, but I made a promise. I made a resolution. I keep those. Things I'm doing to make myself feel better- The Daily Show, buying more books, Palaver submissions- it's going to be old shit, because I haven't finished anything worth submitting in a while.

Midterm tomorrow. Oh, whatever. I'll study or I won't.

Four Winds

Gosh, I'm just blogging all over the place. But I do have thoughts. I was actually thinking about welfare this morning.

I'm very, very liberal. I guess I'm also a Democrat, although my parents are Republicans and I didn't put much stock in political labels up until this last election (over which I lost so much sleep that it's not even funny). I was reading someone's facebook, and it said something along the lines of "I'm a Republican...because not everyone can be on welfare."
It got me thinking, because I realized that I do support welfare. It's a flawed system, because it's grossly exploited, but every system is flawed. We've seen that. The problem with taking away the system and forcing people to sink or swim is that such a strategy only works until you see just how many people sink. It's not fair, and if they're your constituents, then it's on your head. That's what civic responsibility is when you're a politician. Take care of the people who have no choice but to trust you. And yeah, people get away with exploiting the system, but look at Tom Daschle, Tim Geitner, Rod Blagojevich. You think they weren't exploiting a system too? It happens on every level. Don't even get me started talking about Hurricane Katrina. I might get sick.

Speaking of facebook- I makes lists. Here's a list of facebook statuses.
Mary is Vitamin B12.
Mary is retail therapy.
Mary is buying books.
Mary is writing.
Mary is a soul singer in a session band.
Mary is a true patron of the arts.
Mary is a rolling stone.
Mary is exhausted (but what else is new?)
Mary is surviving (but not really in a Destiny's child sense).
Mary misses Destiny's child.
Mary is really sad about Rhianna.
Mary anticipates losing more sleep.
Mary has some scars to heal (silly kitticat).
Mary lied when she said she lives sans regrets.
Mary lied in the abovementioned lie. No regrets.
Mary is DIRECTING A SHOW. Finally. I've needed something to care about. I'm at my lowest points when I'm not working in theatre or film. I'm really excited. It's beautifully written, and it's going to be a huge challenge. I have plans though. I can't wait to see how this goes.

You know, I'm blonde,
I'm living in Southern California,
I have a 24" waist,
I have friends that love me,
I have a show to care about,
I have goals to work towards,
I'm finally writing again, a lot and every day. I'm a writer first.
I should be happy, and I am. It's enough. It's definitely enough.

And a season to sleep, and a place to get clean. Maybe Los Angeles.

I can't afford to compromise that. I've been skinny, sad, and scared far too much. Maybe I do have regrets. Maybe I will.
(The wind, when it blows it is older than Rome, and our joy, and our sorrow.)

tell me, baby. what's your story?

"Did you miss me?" "I missed me."

SO, on one hand, I'm a stupid blonde who makes bad decisions.
On the other hand, we all have to work through our damage sometime.

Oh, look at me talking about damage, like I knew something about it.

I just like to make things difficult for myself, which is why I'm probably going to audition for WTO even though it would make my life ridiculously complicated. Oh, wait?

I don't know. Last year, either Lambda Chi or Sigma Nu had pink champagne for Valentines Day. I missed it because I was too busy being kinda mopey. I don't know about this year. I think maybe I should go, It would be nice to have pink champagne.

It would be nice to have a lot of things. I'm glad I bought a sweatshirt.

the everyday turned solitary, so we came to February.

Aimless ≠ trainwreck. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Question remains, why the hell am I so directionless this semester? This was supposed to be the year of motivation. I don't even know.

I just listened to the Darkness', "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." They were a great band, so much potential. Too bad they burned out too fast.

Stress. Over what? I don't know. I think I need to be moving again. I never do well when I try to settle. I'm trying to settle now, in Los Angeles. It isn't working. I keep daydreaming about roadtrips. My cat is pretty mellow. She could come.

Speaking of my cat, she just bit me in the face. Ow. Ridiculous cat.

Oh, lovely. Just what I needed to make my day even better: a DPS Crime Report. At least this time it was just an armed robbery.

Oliver Mayer's show is tonight. It's a special show for USC students. I'm really excited. It's about love and identity, and it's based on the 1001 nights. It'll be nice to remind myself what the right piece of art can do for inspiration.
I realize I forgot to mention the Pillowman. It was very good, but on such another level that I don't even think it's appropriate to write about it.

On a completely unrelated subject, I just created a pretty awkward situation for a crowd of businessmen on the street. Got to stop walking around topless.

It's funny. I still have hope. I get like this every year in the Spring. It's like reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every single year.
This year, it's different because I'm smiling. Because I still have hope.

hum hallelujah, just off the key of reason

I haven't written this in a while, and Roommate reads it, so I might as well. I'm shaky and I still can't sleep. Fourteen hours in four and a half days. What the hell, Mary,

I'm fine. Classes are going really well, if uneventful. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I never do. I know what I want to be doing. We'll see about that on Friday, I don't know. It's kind of hard to sustain a positive attitude, but I've managed so far this year.

I got a cat. She's great. I rescued her from the shelter. She'd been there for three months. I don't know how much longer they would have let her live. It's sad. :(
I remember the reason I wanted a cat in the first place, way back at the beginning, was because people with pets live longer, and I needed anything I could get. Now that she's here, I can't imagine a time when she wasn't. It's helping.
She's freaked out by the reflection in the mirror. You and me both, kitty.

Speaking of mirrors, I saw the film by the same name, with Kiefer Sutherland, He acts well, and it was nice to watch.
It got me thinking about scary movies, why I like them. Generally, I'm not afraid of them. I just enjoy watching them. I realized that behind all the cheesy or gory SFX, there must be at least some tiny element of originality within the plotline, even if the entire movie proceeds predictably, even if it's not well written, or well acted. It can still be enjoyed.

It also got me thinking about the things that we're afraid of. I'm not scared by movies that feature demons, possession, ghosts, etcetera. I think it's because even if those things do exist, they aren't malignant forces. I'm frightened by films that feature the evil that men do, the things we do to each other. The most frightening film I've ever seen is the Strangers. I love the Hostel films, but it scares me that they're plausible. Same with the concept of the Saw films, but the situation is slightly less plausible. All in all, I really love original ideas in films. La dee da,

And I still grind my fucking teeth. Good job, Mary.

either way, I'll break your heart someday.

So, first I have a story. Then, I have thoughts.

Story: I was driving home to my apartment a couple of nights agp, and when I turned in to go through the gate, I saw a homeless man wandering around in front of it. I pulled forward really slowly, and my headlights made it a little ominous. When he saw me, he just stopped right in front of my car and kind of marched and danced in place. I saw the doorman coming out to usher him away, but I wasn't concerned. All I was thinking was, "I hope he's happy. In this moment, I hope he is happy."

Then, thoughts:
I've never had to worry about people thinking I'm shallow. Much the opposite for the most part. But, I started to realize that maybe Zane thought I was shallow. I had one shot to fix that or in my acting class, and in directing class, I was just going to be the shallow, dumb blonde. So, I took a shot, and now there's 20 people who see me for the depressed mess I really am, the one you saw in Nashville, and my life is a little more authentic. It's okay. I have upwards of 100 who see me as perky and fun and happy, if a little vapid and fake.

On a completely unrelated subject, I cannot imagine buying a foreclosed house and living in it. You're basically sitting on top of someone else's misery.

These days, I'm finding out just how unorganized non-profits are. I went to Kitten Rescue and picked out a cat, and the woman has not called me back. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess if it's not meant to be, so be it.

This week, I've been down a little more than I've been up. I can attribute it to caffeine addiction, weather shifts, hormones, disrupted sleep patterns, and the longest week ever.
I am a little exhausted, but I'm hopeful. I have hope, and I'm no longer a big, freaky trainwreck.

I have hope, but sometimes it's too easy to feel very alone. I'm sorry about missing Angie and Barbara's party, but these days I'm a little more than exhausted. I don't quite have the words.

it's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave.

I can't believe I'm going to leave these people. I want them to come and live with me forever.
I can't believe California is eventually going to fall off of the country. I'll probably die.
I can't believe this thing about the volcano. I'm really upset.
I can't believe this trip is almost over. It's been good. For once.