and they put you in the ground.

So, the weekend's over. Right after that last post, I went to a party. While I was there, I got the best compliment I could have ever received, from a really awesome friend. "You genuinely like people and you care about them and you want to be connected to them."
It felt really good to hear that, because most of the time, i really think of myself as kind of a failed attempt at a person. I try to be friendly, and approachable, and supportive. I give compliments like candy and I spread love like an STD and it still gets me nowhere. Say be yourself and I'm there. I'm doing it, but it's still putting on a show. Always, always, always with a pose, and the same running inner monologue (Pleaselikeme.Pleaselikeme.Pleaselikeme,orIwillNEVERbegoodenough.) It sucks to realize that I still think like that. I honestly thought I was over it. It doesn't rule my life anymore, but there are times when it physically hurts to be in public.
Then again, I've realized something else. All of this actually has happened before. I'm just getting that feeling again, where it's time to run away and do something else. Except, I can't run. I swore I would settle down in Los Angeles, finally. Now that i was happy and doing what I needed to. I settled. I got a cat. I got an apartment. I made a few feeble attempts to get a boyfriend before I realized that most of the guys who would date me are kind of lame. I'm just not that kind of girl, I guess.
So, nowhere to run. I used to run away and hide in clothes racks or in the backyard when I was little. Sometimes I would even go down the street. Miracle I wasn't kidnapped, especially now that Nashville is in the top 15 most dangerous cities list. I'm lucky to be alive, I know that.
No more running. Let's just stick around and see where my feet end up while they're on the ground.