don't forget.

I was beginning to wonder if this year didn't count. It's been such an awkward, in-between stage in my life that I was really starting to wonder if I should just take the year off, like, of life. I've been thinking a lot.

So, I got chewed out by a teacher in front of my friends for making a bad personal and professional call. It didn't ruin my day. A year ago, it would have. I'd have walked around in a funk with nothing but that on my mind and it's what I would have remembered about my 19th birthday. Instead, I walked out with my head held high and a small smile and chalked it up to life in general. I'd admitted that I was wrong, stood by my decision, and gotten ripped a new one. Yay life experience.
Then, I began to wonder if I should feel bad about that- not feeling bad. I realized that, now that I'm not constantly worried about being judged and criticized by others, I'm not really sure what constitutes personal integrity, or where my priorities lie. It's shown this year. I've skipped classes, changed my major, dropped a course, and made some very interesting personal choices.

I couldn't be happier. I was better liked when I was depressed.
For the first time, my over-arching priority wasn't making good grades and making other people like me (or not-notice me). It was making myself into a stable, functional person, one that might live to 25.
That took some trial and error. Honestly, I never properly learned how to organize or prioritize very well. To-do lists and schedules were strongly recommended to me, but they only work if you stick to them. And the things you care about change really fast. I think we have an infinite capacity for love, like we have an infinite capacity for thought, but we don't really use it, and I'm learning how much energy it takes to care deeply about everything you become involved with. Eventually something's gotta give. That's life.

This year, that something isn't me. This year, I'm not the worlds most likable trainwreck. I'm not the mot successful jerk either, but I'm close. It's hard, knowing what you want and going after it when you're worried about everything that goes down in between. I'm learning, though, and that's good. I still care about people, places, things. I just care about myself too. Finding a balance is kind of scary, but I've never felt more centered. Maybe I can use that to help people? God knows I want to.

I'm still fighting an eating disorder.
I'm still fighting heavy anxiety.
It's just- now, my life isn't about the fight.
It's about what I'm fighting for.

The end. Happy 20, me.