this isn't for the better.

I truly feel pretty heinous right now. It's silly, because I have the best friends on the planet, an agent that likes me, an audition scheduled for next week, I was blessed enough to be okay looking and to have enough intelligence to know better.
And it still feels like not-enough. I'm shaking a bit right now. Earlier I cried for the first time since March, pretty much because my head was in a very weird place and I couldn't get out of it.
And then I sent out some text messages and felt better. And I got things done, and I'm still getting things done, and I feel ridiculous sometimes, but my life is my life.
And my choices are my choices.
And I have good days and I have bad days.
And I eat the same amount of calories every day, and I'm okay with that.
And I make choices that aren't the smartest, or the healthiest.
And I get scared and freak out every once in a while.
And I've managed to put myself in a situation where I can no longer run away.

But you know what? It's okay. It's fine.
Because I made myself a promise. My New Year's Resolution, actually.
So if I can't run, I'll stay and meet this shit head-on. It's hard not to freak out every once in a while when you meet yourself face-to-face.

If you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Nietzche
"You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love."

Oh, life is silly. I can't count the times I've done something stupid this week, something that could have gotten me killed. I think that's just how we're meant to live. It's just that there are times when it sucks to be aware of it.