Four Winds

Gosh, I'm just blogging all over the place. But I do have thoughts. I was actually thinking about welfare this morning.

I'm very, very liberal. I guess I'm also a Democrat, although my parents are Republicans and I didn't put much stock in political labels up until this last election (over which I lost so much sleep that it's not even funny). I was reading someone's facebook, and it said something along the lines of "I'm a Republican...because not everyone can be on welfare."
It got me thinking, because I realized that I do support welfare. It's a flawed system, because it's grossly exploited, but every system is flawed. We've seen that. The problem with taking away the system and forcing people to sink or swim is that such a strategy only works until you see just how many people sink. It's not fair, and if they're your constituents, then it's on your head. That's what civic responsibility is when you're a politician. Take care of the people who have no choice but to trust you. And yeah, people get away with exploiting the system, but look at Tom Daschle, Tim Geitner, Rod Blagojevich. You think they weren't exploiting a system too? It happens on every level. Don't even get me started talking about Hurricane Katrina. I might get sick.

Speaking of facebook- I makes lists. Here's a list of facebook statuses.
Mary is Vitamin B12.
Mary is retail therapy.
Mary is buying books.
Mary is writing.
Mary is a soul singer in a session band.
Mary is a true patron of the arts.
Mary is a rolling stone.
Mary is exhausted (but what else is new?)
Mary is surviving (but not really in a Destiny's child sense).
Mary misses Destiny's child.
Mary is really sad about Rhianna.
Mary anticipates losing more sleep.
Mary has some scars to heal (silly kitticat).
Mary lied when she said she lives sans regrets.
Mary lied in the abovementioned lie. No regrets.
Mary is DIRECTING A SHOW. Finally. I've needed something to care about. I'm at my lowest points when I'm not working in theatre or film. I'm really excited. It's beautifully written, and it's going to be a huge challenge. I have plans though. I can't wait to see how this goes.

You know, I'm blonde,
I'm living in Southern California,
I have a 24" waist,
I have friends that love me,
I have a show to care about,
I have goals to work towards,
I'm finally writing again, a lot and every day. I'm a writer first.
I should be happy, and I am. It's enough. It's definitely enough.

And a season to sleep, and a place to get clean. Maybe Los Angeles.

I can't afford to compromise that. I've been skinny, sad, and scared far too much. Maybe I do have regrets. Maybe I will.
(The wind, when it blows it is older than Rome, and our joy, and our sorrow.)

tell me, baby. what's your story?

"Did you miss me?" "I missed me."

SO, on one hand, I'm a stupid blonde who makes bad decisions.
On the other hand, we all have to work through our damage sometime.

Oh, look at me talking about damage, like I knew something about it.

I just like to make things difficult for myself, which is why I'm probably going to audition for WTO even though it would make my life ridiculously complicated. Oh, wait?

I don't know. Last year, either Lambda Chi or Sigma Nu had pink champagne for Valentines Day. I missed it because I was too busy being kinda mopey. I don't know about this year. I think maybe I should go, It would be nice to have pink champagne.

It would be nice to have a lot of things. I'm glad I bought a sweatshirt.

the everyday turned solitary, so we came to February.

Aimless ≠ trainwreck. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Question remains, why the hell am I so directionless this semester? This was supposed to be the year of motivation. I don't even know.

I just listened to the Darkness', "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." They were a great band, so much potential. Too bad they burned out too fast.

Stress. Over what? I don't know. I think I need to be moving again. I never do well when I try to settle. I'm trying to settle now, in Los Angeles. It isn't working. I keep daydreaming about roadtrips. My cat is pretty mellow. She could come.

Speaking of my cat, she just bit me in the face. Ow. Ridiculous cat.

Oh, lovely. Just what I needed to make my day even better: a DPS Crime Report. At least this time it was just an armed robbery.

Oliver Mayer's show is tonight. It's a special show for USC students. I'm really excited. It's about love and identity, and it's based on the 1001 nights. It'll be nice to remind myself what the right piece of art can do for inspiration.
I realize I forgot to mention the Pillowman. It was very good, but on such another level that I don't even think it's appropriate to write about it.

On a completely unrelated subject, I just created a pretty awkward situation for a crowd of businessmen on the street. Got to stop walking around topless.

It's funny. I still have hope. I get like this every year in the Spring. It's like reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every single year.
This year, it's different because I'm smiling. Because I still have hope.

hum hallelujah, just off the key of reason

I haven't written this in a while, and Roommate reads it, so I might as well. I'm shaky and I still can't sleep. Fourteen hours in four and a half days. What the hell, Mary,

I'm fine. Classes are going really well, if uneventful. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I never do. I know what I want to be doing. We'll see about that on Friday, I don't know. It's kind of hard to sustain a positive attitude, but I've managed so far this year.

I got a cat. She's great. I rescued her from the shelter. She'd been there for three months. I don't know how much longer they would have let her live. It's sad. :(
I remember the reason I wanted a cat in the first place, way back at the beginning, was because people with pets live longer, and I needed anything I could get. Now that she's here, I can't imagine a time when she wasn't. It's helping.
She's freaked out by the reflection in the mirror. You and me both, kitty.

Speaking of mirrors, I saw the film by the same name, with Kiefer Sutherland, He acts well, and it was nice to watch.
It got me thinking about scary movies, why I like them. Generally, I'm not afraid of them. I just enjoy watching them. I realized that behind all the cheesy or gory SFX, there must be at least some tiny element of originality within the plotline, even if the entire movie proceeds predictably, even if it's not well written, or well acted. It can still be enjoyed.

It also got me thinking about the things that we're afraid of. I'm not scared by movies that feature demons, possession, ghosts, etcetera. I think it's because even if those things do exist, they aren't malignant forces. I'm frightened by films that feature the evil that men do, the things we do to each other. The most frightening film I've ever seen is the Strangers. I love the Hostel films, but it scares me that they're plausible. Same with the concept of the Saw films, but the situation is slightly less plausible. All in all, I really love original ideas in films. La dee da,

And I still grind my fucking teeth. Good job, Mary.

either way, I'll break your heart someday.

So, first I have a story. Then, I have thoughts.

Story: I was driving home to my apartment a couple of nights agp, and when I turned in to go through the gate, I saw a homeless man wandering around in front of it. I pulled forward really slowly, and my headlights made it a little ominous. When he saw me, he just stopped right in front of my car and kind of marched and danced in place. I saw the doorman coming out to usher him away, but I wasn't concerned. All I was thinking was, "I hope he's happy. In this moment, I hope he is happy."

Then, thoughts:
I've never had to worry about people thinking I'm shallow. Much the opposite for the most part. But, I started to realize that maybe Zane thought I was shallow. I had one shot to fix that or in my acting class, and in directing class, I was just going to be the shallow, dumb blonde. So, I took a shot, and now there's 20 people who see me for the depressed mess I really am, the one you saw in Nashville, and my life is a little more authentic. It's okay. I have upwards of 100 who see me as perky and fun and happy, if a little vapid and fake.

On a completely unrelated subject, I cannot imagine buying a foreclosed house and living in it. You're basically sitting on top of someone else's misery.

These days, I'm finding out just how unorganized non-profits are. I went to Kitten Rescue and picked out a cat, and the woman has not called me back. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess if it's not meant to be, so be it.

This week, I've been down a little more than I've been up. I can attribute it to caffeine addiction, weather shifts, hormones, disrupted sleep patterns, and the longest week ever.
I am a little exhausted, but I'm hopeful. I have hope, and I'm no longer a big, freaky trainwreck.

I have hope, but sometimes it's too easy to feel very alone. I'm sorry about missing Angie and Barbara's party, but these days I'm a little more than exhausted. I don't quite have the words.

it's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave.

I can't believe I'm going to leave these people. I want them to come and live with me forever.
I can't believe California is eventually going to fall off of the country. I'll probably die.
I can't believe this thing about the volcano. I'm really upset.
I can't believe this trip is almost over. It's been good. For once.

if god came down on christmas day, i know exactly what he'd say

I think coming back to Nashville was such a bad idea. I was wrong about so many things.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.