if god came down on christmas day, i know exactly what he'd say

I think coming back to Nashville was such a bad idea. I was wrong about so many things.
I saw Breanna and I saw Mackie. I'm happy. I have to see both of them again, because I didn't give them their Christmas presents.
I got to hang out with Philip and Becky. I was really happy that they actually wanted to see me. I always figured people would forget me.
I'm going to call Colby sometime. I need to see him before I leave.
Everyone else, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are only friends with me because I'm available to them. I do that on purpose. I never want people to think I'm deliberately cutting ties with them (even if I am, in which case it eventually becomes obvious).
I don't know. I think I just need some space. Six months wasn't long enough for anyone to miss me, or for me to miss Nashville. I'll try again in 2010. (That rhymes, ya know?)
Sometimes I worry about the end of the world. Sometimes I worry about a lot of things.
My therapist would call it unproductive worry. I'm doing better since therapy. I'm on an as-needed basis now. Not that anyone gives a fuck.
I'm listening to the All-American Rejects. They're pretty great. I need to go back to USC and find more friends there. You can never have too many. I love everyone.
Nashville's not so lucky. I want to love everyone, but it's just such an unpleasant place. Things are so cheap here, though. I bought some awesome shampoo. Screw Nashville. I should have just gone back to LA. I have things to do.

it's only you I'm thinking of

Here's an interesting one.
New Years Resolutions I've kept (not in chronological order, that's just weird):
- Vegetarianism
- Lose 10 pounds (lost 35 at one point. Oops?)
- Stop one bad habit. Start another. I really can't say what those are. I think it's easy enough to guess.

I don't make them very frequently, because I do keep them, and when you consider my history of not sticking with things, you'll understand. There's been a lot of years where I haven't made them. I can only remember 4 off the top of my head.
This year will be interesting, because I have a big one: no more trainwrecks. I'm not sure that's ever been accomplished. I may need your help. It's starting to make me a little nervous. I had a good time being a hot mess this semester. A girl can't go through life like that, though. Not and still make something out of herself. It's a myspace world.

I think now is as good a time as ever to point out how much I hate the holidays, any holiday with a Judeo-Christian origin at least. They've all become so commercialized that we're basically celebrating food, love, and presents. I'm totally okay with that. I like food and love and presents, but I like them everyday. I like buying people presents for the hell of it, just randomly. I like spreading joy and love every day. We'd be able to eradicate a lot more poverty and solve a lot more problems if people gave of themselves to charity as much as they do one or two days a year. We could really help people. I'm an atheist because I don't need a god to make me nice. I like Valentine's Day because it's a holiday that centers around good feeling, love, bright colors, flowers. People ignore it, mock it, avoid it like the plague, and it still goes on. I like spreading love.
Christmas is unavoidable, and if you hate it you may as well be the devil. I hate it. I'll do the things I do on Christmas every day if it will make the world a better place. I just can't get over sometimes how much the world is ignoring. Maybe being in a recession will do this country some good.
http://www.46664.com http://www.halfofus.com http://www.one.org http://www.enoughproject.org

I care about those things. Maybe some other people will too.
Let's talk about birthdays. I hate my own. I really try to avoid it, and I do a pretty good job. I can count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated it and been happy.
- 17: Picnic in the park with Andrea, Lauren, Elliott, Jenni, Tiffany and Becky. That was a good day.
- 18: Scary movie and Starbucks with Mackie. We talked about college, weddings, and other people. I miss that night, just sitting on some steps and talking. I miss nights like that.
- 19: Dinner with friends at some random diner. Seeing how many people we could cram into Megan's car. Good times. I don't think I have the energy to ever try to plan something like that again. Celebrations are exhausting. It was fun to have a girls night, though.

I love giving people shit for their birthdays. I either buy stuff, or I bake. If you at any point insinuate to me that you want something, it's yours. But like I said, I don't see why I can't do that every day, not just your birthday.

Here's to hoping these random bursts of altruism offset some of my worse qualities. After all, it's Christmas, motherfuckers.
(On a final note, I'd like to mention that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are serious so much cooler than xxxmas. I'd love to get to celebrate either one of them. Stupid family.)

I know it's unlikely she'll ever be mine

Finals that went well: Directing, Acting, Terrorism and Genocide, French
Finals that went okay: Songwriting, Dance- there's a story to this. I could only find one of my shoes, so I danced in stockings for the first time ever. I left my ipod in my apartment, and with 10 minutes before my exam I ran out to my car, grabbed a mix cd, and picked a new song. It was twice as fast as the first one. I ran out of choreography and so I just started moving. Oh, boy. At least it ended.

Here's another list of "interesting" things I've realized lately:
-I'm obsessed with cappuccino foam
-I've been eating yogurt with a fork
-On that subject, eating in front of people is literally like being naked. It's okay with good friends, and it's okay in large groups where no one is paying attention. With everyone else, it feels a little awkward, and with certain people it's unacceptable.
-I'm sort of a domestic goddess. I made brownies with nuts in them today. My friend Sarah had never had one before. They turned out well.

And now for something even more interesting.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
I keep mine, you know.
-No more trainwreck
-No more hot mess
-I'm going to get my shit together
-Auditions
-Workout journal
-Comp card
-Manager
-Relationship? We'll see.

I won't exactly be home for Christmas. I don't really like holidays. I'm going to get a cat when I get back to Los Angeles. Then, when I get back, I'm not leaving. Means I need to see everyone that I left behind in Nashville when I'm back over the holiday. I'd make a list, but they know who they are. It's not that big of a city.
Things I like in Nashville:
-Cafe Coco
-Bongo Java
-Calypso Cafe
-Fido
-Sitar
-Tarboosh
-Yogurt Oasis
-Hillsboro Village (good shopping there)

So, one dessert place, one Indian restaurant, one hookah bar, one boho district, and four coffee shops that serve food. Anything there that I can't get in Los Angeles?

find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Time to share. Things to know. I think in everyday conversation, this would be christened 'TMI'.
I feel so completely aimless right now, like homeless practically. (Emotionally homeless. I have an apartment. I'm getting a cat.) I have the widest disconnect between my short term and long term goals and I have no idea how to close it and I have absolutely no one that I can rely on (on whom I can rely- much better, I'm a fucking english nerd). I feel like I'm just gradually migrating in the general direction I want to go and even though nothing's getting in my way, nothing is supporting me either. I just need a place to land.
Here's another list. I like lists. I make them often.
Things that need doing that I'm not doing right now:
-Buying party stuff
-Studying for my French oral exam- 2 hours and counting down
-Research for my Terrorism and Genocide paper (compare and contrast the psychological profiles of two genocidal dictators, oh god)
-Working out- no one wants to say it, but I need to
Things I've realized this week:
-I'm terrified of getting old
- I'm actually a better person when I'm drunk. I'm more honest, but a little aggressive.
-I make plans and then they just absent themselves. I was supposed to be in Africa in two months.
-If I get straight As again this semester, I'm going to cry. I haven't put nearly as much effort into school as I normally would have. I've realized that I deliberately put myself in situations where it's likely that I'll fail, just to see if maybe I can succeed. What it turns into is simply me surviving. I'm just surviving.
I could be 80% done with my major right now and graduate early Magna Cum Laude if I wanted to. Then grad school. My parents would be so proud. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd rather make things as difficult as possible.

What's really unfortunate is that I know what I want, and I'm making steps to get it, but I have absolutely no ideaa how I ended up where I am.

I guess we just keep on keeping on. I'm the girl that gets it done, always. I'm a survivor.
I think I'd rather be someone else, really. Today was the first time I've ever thought to myself, "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I can't do it all."
But I can, and I will. I am.

I wish this wasn't all about me. Only child syndrome? I'm secretly an elitist with an inferiority complex.
I wish I was making that up.

I swear there must be something in your dreams.

I haven't written on of these in a while. I figured tonight was a good night to do so. I have a lot on my mind, and I also just taught an international FIDM student the word "sexile."

So, first thought on choosing my scene in acting class.
What I heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice."
What I should have heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice BECAUSE YOU'D BE PLAYING YOURSELF."
Oh, that's a problem. I can't let myself go when I'm acting because I keep ending up with characters who have the same issues I do. How the fuck am I supposed to fix them if I can't fix myself? (Therapy was supposed to help a little with that. It kinda did.)
I actually asked Zane about what I should do when the imaginary reality blends with the real one. We're not sure, I don't think.

This will be good. It has to be. I have trouble because I'm unwilling to be fully vulnerable, and fucking "go there." This is my chance. My mother-fucking chance.
Except, I realized tonight that I worry more about my scene partners liking me than I do about the scene. That's probably not good for my work.

Now time for more lists. Things to know about me:
-I find honesty cathartic, full-blown, balls-out honesty. I'm an open book if you know the right questions to ask.
-I actually do run through traffic. I have a record of times in a day that I've almost been hit by a bus (it's 3).
-I also kinda enjoy walking over street grates. This leads to a lot of Marilyn Monroe moments, and I feel like eventually I'm going to fall down when one breaks.
-I'm still committed to way too many things, and right about now I feel like my life is going in a circle. Everything that's happened has somehow happened before. I'm completely unsurprised, and I feel like maybe I should be happier than I am.

What I really need is my old support system: Colby, Mackie, Breanna, Lauren. I don't think I have a strong enough one here. I'm connecting with people. I have friends. I'm okay, but I feel like I'm not really enough.
Zane says, "The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we're not enough."
Quite often
I'm NOT enough. Can't see it any other way. I guess I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet,

Speaking of books, I'm writing a lot more than usual. It's a good thing. If you want, I'll let you read something.

I'm no Superman

In California, I can back into a parking space, and animals eat out of my hand. The man at the gas station counter told me I was beautiful, and I'm pretty sure it was because I was buying a homeless person a snack. Life is so much better here. I wish more people were happy.

I do things very deliberately. I try so hard to be nice, and yet I amaze myself with how unpleasant I am on occasion. One thing to realize about me is that I will rarely ever lie.
I do things pragmatically, and as much as I love to be spontaneous, I plan or think about everything. I'm never not inside my own head. There's pretty much a reason behind everything I do. I realize that I gave myself a finite amount of time to make exclusively bad decisions, and most of them had names. I miss that time, but I choose my bad decisions carefully now. It's works.

November is my favorite month. It's 70 degrees and sunny right now. This year the election makes November a little more stressful. Losing sleep, losing weight. I don't know. At least it'll all be over in three days. I hope I survive. :/

Broadway is dark tonight...

So that thing I'm not mentioning is working. Know how I know? The following story...

So today I bought Pro Tools for a sun of money I would rather not have spent. For the rest of the day, a cloud of uncertainty covered every positive experience I had- and I had a good day.
Finally, when I got home, I went to the trunk of my car to unload everything and I discovered that the mirror I'd had in the back of my car as a prop from my directing midterm had been smashed by some of the equipment.
The mirror was mine. I'd been missing it for the last three days, but I hadn't taken it out of the trunk of my car. Right then, all of the insecurities I had about everything in my life came crashing down- directing class, songwriting, money, the way I look, what little career I have, my education, my future- I couldn't move. Full blown anxiety attack. I thought I was falling apart.
I made one phone call, got one answer. Twenty minutes, I was okay.
So, I went back to my trunk to get everything. I took an extra bag and started cleaning up the glass, and backed my elbow into one of the shards, deep. So here I am, in a minidress with a broken mirror, two bags of purchases, one bag of groceries, my giant, pink purse, and blood running down my arm, and all I thought was, "Wow, this is a fantastic life experience. I'm so happy this is happening."
I made it all the way back to my apartment with all of the crap I was carrying. I probably looked like a fantastic, hot trainwreck but I felt so happy,
Tomorrow should be good too. I don't know if we're doing food not bombs, but I hope so. Sunday is work. Work is exciting. Yay for more body paint.
I miss people. Especially Breanna and Mackie. It's so weird watching peoples' lives change and realizing that there's no place for you. I hate Tennessee, but I love those girls. It's hard to have a deep talk with someone who's 2000 miles away.
I don't remember the conversation I had with Michael M. yesterday, but I know I had one. Today, Megan M. and I went to Samuel French. We had a good conversation, although I probably talked too much.
I pretty much live with Sarah and Kerry. I like it when I can recognize people's names on their friends' blogs.
I also made a new driving mix. I'm watching Family Guy right now. I don't have any regrets at the moment.
Happy. It's a nice feeling.