I swear there must be something in your dreams.

I haven't written on of these in a while. I figured tonight was a good night to do so. I have a lot on my mind, and I also just taught an international FIDM student the word "sexile."

So, first thought on choosing my scene in acting class.
What I heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice."
What I should have heard- Megan: "Yeah, I figured you'd be more drawn to the part of Alice BECAUSE YOU'D BE PLAYING YOURSELF."
Oh, that's a problem. I can't let myself go when I'm acting because I keep ending up with characters who have the same issues I do. How the fuck am I supposed to fix them if I can't fix myself? (Therapy was supposed to help a little with that. It kinda did.)
I actually asked Zane about what I should do when the imaginary reality blends with the real one. We're not sure, I don't think.

This will be good. It has to be. I have trouble because I'm unwilling to be fully vulnerable, and fucking "go there." This is my chance. My mother-fucking chance.
Except, I realized tonight that I worry more about my scene partners liking me than I do about the scene. That's probably not good for my work.

Now time for more lists. Things to know about me:
-I find honesty cathartic, full-blown, balls-out honesty. I'm an open book if you know the right questions to ask.
-I actually do run through traffic. I have a record of times in a day that I've almost been hit by a bus (it's 3).
-I also kinda enjoy walking over street grates. This leads to a lot of Marilyn Monroe moments, and I feel like eventually I'm going to fall down when one breaks.
-I'm still committed to way too many things, and right about now I feel like my life is going in a circle. Everything that's happened has somehow happened before. I'm completely unsurprised, and I feel like maybe I should be happier than I am.

What I really need is my old support system: Colby, Mackie, Breanna, Lauren. I don't think I have a strong enough one here. I'm connecting with people. I have friends. I'm okay, but I feel like I'm not really enough.
Zane says, "The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we're not enough."
Quite often
I'm NOT enough. Can't see it any other way. I guess I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet,

Speaking of books, I'm writing a lot more than usual. It's a good thing. If you want, I'll let you read something.

I'm no Superman

In California, I can back into a parking space, and animals eat out of my hand. The man at the gas station counter told me I was beautiful, and I'm pretty sure it was because I was buying a homeless person a snack. Life is so much better here. I wish more people were happy.

I do things very deliberately. I try so hard to be nice, and yet I amaze myself with how unpleasant I am on occasion. One thing to realize about me is that I will rarely ever lie.
I do things pragmatically, and as much as I love to be spontaneous, I plan or think about everything. I'm never not inside my own head. There's pretty much a reason behind everything I do. I realize that I gave myself a finite amount of time to make exclusively bad decisions, and most of them had names. I miss that time, but I choose my bad decisions carefully now. It's works.

November is my favorite month. It's 70 degrees and sunny right now. This year the election makes November a little more stressful. Losing sleep, losing weight. I don't know. At least it'll all be over in three days. I hope I survive. :/

Broadway is dark tonight...

So that thing I'm not mentioning is working. Know how I know? The following story...

So today I bought Pro Tools for a sun of money I would rather not have spent. For the rest of the day, a cloud of uncertainty covered every positive experience I had- and I had a good day.
Finally, when I got home, I went to the trunk of my car to unload everything and I discovered that the mirror I'd had in the back of my car as a prop from my directing midterm had been smashed by some of the equipment.
The mirror was mine. I'd been missing it for the last three days, but I hadn't taken it out of the trunk of my car. Right then, all of the insecurities I had about everything in my life came crashing down- directing class, songwriting, money, the way I look, what little career I have, my education, my future- I couldn't move. Full blown anxiety attack. I thought I was falling apart.
I made one phone call, got one answer. Twenty minutes, I was okay.
So, I went back to my trunk to get everything. I took an extra bag and started cleaning up the glass, and backed my elbow into one of the shards, deep. So here I am, in a minidress with a broken mirror, two bags of purchases, one bag of groceries, my giant, pink purse, and blood running down my arm, and all I thought was, "Wow, this is a fantastic life experience. I'm so happy this is happening."
I made it all the way back to my apartment with all of the crap I was carrying. I probably looked like a fantastic, hot trainwreck but I felt so happy,
Tomorrow should be good too. I don't know if we're doing food not bombs, but I hope so. Sunday is work. Work is exciting. Yay for more body paint.
I miss people. Especially Breanna and Mackie. It's so weird watching peoples' lives change and realizing that there's no place for you. I hate Tennessee, but I love those girls. It's hard to have a deep talk with someone who's 2000 miles away.
I don't remember the conversation I had with Michael M. yesterday, but I know I had one. Today, Megan M. and I went to Samuel French. We had a good conversation, although I probably talked too much.
I pretty much live with Sarah and Kerry. I like it when I can recognize people's names on their friends' blogs.
I also made a new driving mix. I'm watching Family Guy right now. I don't have any regrets at the moment.
Happy. It's a nice feeling.

he don't show much these days; it gets so fucking cold

Los Angeles is a dangerous and exhausting city. I can see why people hate it.
It's also magical. That's why they never leave.
The most important thing I've learned thus far in the things that I don't talk about: People have limits. We can only do so much. Drugs, sex, rock & roll. You'll die. You'll pass out. You'll go deaf. Strive for perfection, but accept that you'll never achieve it. Things won't turn out the way you plan, but sometimes they'll turn out better. The trick is to not let it get you down when they don't.
Thursday is going to be a really great day.

who would have thought we were going to get this far?

Nobody blogs about going to therapy. I certainly don't.

I will, however, say that there are differences between liking yourself, and accepting yourself as you are. I don't quite have the balance as to what those are.

As actors, we have to embrace our darkness at times. That takes different forms in some of us. More to come on that later.

I realized that I made a long list of things I was committed to. Sometime, I think that list was too long.
Fuck. It would be so easy just to choose the safe way out. The easy way out. But nobody goes anywhere on that side. What the fuck.

because until yesterday, they didn't even have a stock market.

You know, I had this post planned out where I was going to ramble and naval gaze, and blah.

But I had a really great night last night. I'm not sure I'll ever get all of this paint off, and I walked into my apartment building this morning looking like a refugee from a smurfs war, but I'm so happy right now. I have all day today to chill, study for midterms, be around, and last night was wonderful.

I have some things to think. :)

not gonna write you a love song.

I don't think there's any point in the unpleasant morning-after feeling if there's not morning after. I need to make more mistakes. I need to not be a perfectionist. I need to have a messy personal life again, so that maybe I can get my professional life back on track. No? Yes.
I miss feeling compelled to call someone at three in the morning from another continent just because. I miss that. Where the hell did that feeling go? I used to fall so hard for people.
Now, not only can I not get that right, I can't get any work done whatsoever. What is wrong with me?
And why won't those doctors return my calls? I'm tired of grinding my stupid teeth in my sleep.