I finally learned why they tell you to rest. I pushed my thigh to the point of collapsing, and I just fell backwards. Lucky, I caught myself on my bed and I'm okay, but it was a wake-up call. No one is Superman. I don't know why I never tell myself it's okay to rest. I still believe it's not.
So, I sprained my ankle. They took my to the CA Hospital Medical Center and I sat around in triage for four hours. It was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I'll start from the beginning.
I twisted my ankle running to catch the light at Jefferson and Hoover. It was already red by the time I started crossing, I didn't care because I was preoccupied. During the show that I was watching (good job everybody), I had made the decision to go to the Psych center on Monday and ask to take the test to see if I qualified for Prozac or Zoloft. I'm pretty sure I would have.
As soon as I hurt myself, I sprang (metaphorically of course) into action. I didn't scream; I didn't cry. I called for help, they sent me an ambulance and I went to check it checked out by a doctor, because I knew I couldn't fix this on my own at 10:00 at night.
Sitting in triage, experiencing firsthand the inadequacy of the US Healthcare system, I watched Level One trauma patients get treated in a hallway because there were no rooms for them. I met a man named James who had been waiting for eight hours with a broken arm from fighting and a rattling cough that never went away. I saw a gang member who had been sliced up by barbed wire, another who was having a bad reaction to PCP. I saw a pregnant woman who was scared and excited. I saw a man and his friend come in covered in someone else's blood. I don't know if that person made it. I saw a couple of people who didn't.
Sitting in a wheelchair with my entire right leg immobilized, I felt so incredibly lucky. For the first three hours that I was there, I kept a smile on my face. I wanted to brighten people's nights. They were doing such important work, and I wanted them to know that. By the time they got to me, I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. It was about 2AM. I still felt blessed to be there, and proud of everyone around me. I can't honestly say I recommend getting injured sot hat you can spend the night in a public hospital, but I learned a lot about myself and other people. As I was sitting there, I no longer felt like I needed the medicine. It was like I was filled with light, because I was in a place where people were doing good and healing in the face of so much bad.
Truth: There were terrible situations. I'm not happy about mine to say the least. I'm sad and worried about James, because I have no way of thinking that he'll make it to the end of the year. He wasn't the only one I saw like that. But even through all of that, he showed me kindness and I reciprocated,
I just wish everyone could have been there that night and seen what I did. Met the people I did. It was a stupid reason to go to the hospital and maybe this is a stupid story, but I feel validated. Maybe not changed, but I feel a better side of myself. I'm going to do better, and I'm going to be okay. I know what I want to be doing, where I want to go, and what I need. I can prioritize and get things done. If I can make it through college without going on Prozac, I can make it through the rest of my life. I can't promise that I will though. I never thought I'd admit that publicly, but I'm a big believer in honesty these days. Don't ask me why.
I had more thoughts, things to say, but at this point I think I've said enough. People have definitely heard enough from me for one night. I just think it would help. Some things need to be heard.
I've learned a lot this weekend.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
This time again this year
So, I've been thinking a lot about change and about choices and I'm realizing that the more things change, the more they really do stay the same. I was a different person two to three years ago- someone not so much like me. Especially last year. I had a lot of things to figure out. I sort of think you know that.
I'm not used to having someone tell me, "You should do [insert this thing you love] because you're good at it, and it's a part of you, and we can see that." Having that kind of support for the first time in my life is more than refreshing. It's almost affirming, had I need of affirmation. It serves as a reminder of what I used to want and what I used to believe I was capable of, before I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough and it wasn't worth it. I know better now. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what I want, and it's going to be good. Try and stop me.
I've been thinking a lot about the past. I do that a lot in Spring. It's why it's my least favorite season. I tend to relive old moments from years past, usually around this time. Could be because I'm a year older, or it could just be the weather. I don't know.
In any case, I've been thinking about a lot of you. I've retouched some old connections. I'm willing to do more. I miss a lot of you, in a weird way. There are some people whom I never expect to see again, and other who, if that happened, I think it might break my heart. I have a feeling that you don't all really know which group you fit into. That's okay.
To those of you that wonder, I'll be in Nashville for about two weeks beginning mid-May if you want to see me before I leave to do other things. I won't be spending much time there, probably ever again. Home is here now.
You know, I don't like celebrating my birthday. Not really. Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had, and all I did was go out to dinner, and then spend the evening with my best friend. It was perfect, because for the first time in a long time, I was happy. I guess I always tend towards melancholia around this time, but this year, I kind of wish I'd had time to plan something- preferably involving controlled substances, music, and illicit trysts- but I really didn't. Too busy planning my own future and things that impact other people's lives. I also feel a little weird planning a party for myself. It seems a little too bold to say "I want this. I want this. This is what we will do." Some days, I'm just too self-denying for that. Anyone care to help me out?
I think about all I've learned here. All the people that I've met and all the things I've seen, and I feel profoundly grateful. I ended up in a better place than I ever thought possible, and for every time I read something new and helpful, or every time someone says something unexpectedly nice, or every person that's stopped me on the street and told me I was beautiful, I feel profoundly grateful, and I owe it to all of you.
This note is very much a stream of consciousness and it probably doesn't make much sense. I honestly don't even know who to tag. Except where I sort of do. If I tagged you and you don't know why, I guess ask. I like answering questions.
In lieu of doing homework right now, I'm going to write a story.
It's funny. I was going to write another note that explained things- especially about last year- but I don't feel the need now. You can draw your own conclusions and make what assumptions you want. You'll do that anyway.
I'm not used to having someone tell me, "You should do [insert this thing you love] because you're good at it, and it's a part of you, and we can see that." Having that kind of support for the first time in my life is more than refreshing. It's almost affirming, had I need of affirmation. It serves as a reminder of what I used to want and what I used to believe I was capable of, before I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough and it wasn't worth it. I know better now. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what I want, and it's going to be good. Try and stop me.
I've been thinking a lot about the past. I do that a lot in Spring. It's why it's my least favorite season. I tend to relive old moments from years past, usually around this time. Could be because I'm a year older, or it could just be the weather. I don't know.
In any case, I've been thinking about a lot of you. I've retouched some old connections. I'm willing to do more. I miss a lot of you, in a weird way. There are some people whom I never expect to see again, and other who, if that happened, I think it might break my heart. I have a feeling that you don't all really know which group you fit into. That's okay.
To those of you that wonder, I'll be in Nashville for about two weeks beginning mid-May if you want to see me before I leave to do other things. I won't be spending much time there, probably ever again. Home is here now.
You know, I don't like celebrating my birthday. Not really. Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had, and all I did was go out to dinner, and then spend the evening with my best friend. It was perfect, because for the first time in a long time, I was happy. I guess I always tend towards melancholia around this time, but this year, I kind of wish I'd had time to plan something- preferably involving controlled substances, music, and illicit trysts- but I really didn't. Too busy planning my own future and things that impact other people's lives. I also feel a little weird planning a party for myself. It seems a little too bold to say "I want this. I want this. This is what we will do." Some days, I'm just too self-denying for that. Anyone care to help me out?
I think about all I've learned here. All the people that I've met and all the things I've seen, and I feel profoundly grateful. I ended up in a better place than I ever thought possible, and for every time I read something new and helpful, or every time someone says something unexpectedly nice, or every person that's stopped me on the street and told me I was beautiful, I feel profoundly grateful, and I owe it to all of you.
This note is very much a stream of consciousness and it probably doesn't make much sense. I honestly don't even know who to tag. Except where I sort of do. If I tagged you and you don't know why, I guess ask. I like answering questions.
In lieu of doing homework right now, I'm going to write a story.
It's funny. I was going to write another note that explained things- especially about last year- but I don't feel the need now. You can draw your own conclusions and make what assumptions you want. You'll do that anyway.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.
Wow. That last post was as depressing as I ever want to get on here. Not again.
I've been thinking a lot about home lately. For most of the people I know, Catherine especially, home is where your family is (I include friends in that as well). That's not the case with me, nor has it ever been. For me, home is a concrete place. It's big and it has a name. Like a city, Like Los Angeles. That's home right now. In a couple of years, we'll see.
I watched Enchanted tonight. My biggest critique of it is that it wasn't ironic enough. It really was a fairytale, which is why I didn't want to watch it in the first place. If I want a fairy tale, I'll watch Amelie. At least that has sex.
You know, I almost typed "If I was a fairy tale." That's interesting.
Something to think about. Maybe just because I'm a writer.
Except, I need to be writing again. I like directing though. I could see it being something that made me happy in the long-term.
This is new. This is good.
I have a lot to think about.
ps: I bought lingerie today. Shopping makes me happy too. It's funny that I didn't really know that.
I've been thinking a lot about home lately. For most of the people I know, Catherine especially, home is where your family is (I include friends in that as well). That's not the case with me, nor has it ever been. For me, home is a concrete place. It's big and it has a name. Like a city, Like Los Angeles. That's home right now. In a couple of years, we'll see.
I watched Enchanted tonight. My biggest critique of it is that it wasn't ironic enough. It really was a fairytale, which is why I didn't want to watch it in the first place. If I want a fairy tale, I'll watch Amelie. At least that has sex.
You know, I almost typed "If I was a fairy tale." That's interesting.
Something to think about. Maybe just because I'm a writer.
Except, I need to be writing again. I like directing though. I could see it being something that made me happy in the long-term.
This is new. This is good.
I have a lot to think about.
ps: I bought lingerie today. Shopping makes me happy too. It's funny that I didn't really know that.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
leave your conscience at the door.
I'm beginning to think that I'm the only person who feels like real friendship isn't about compromise and sacrifice and bargaining.
Real friends don't manipulate each other, It's not about what you can get or what you have to give up.
I'm sick. I don't know anymore.
Compleat Female Stage Beauty ended tonight. I miss it already. I was working the sound and even though my legs would cramp from not moving, it was such a great experience because I got to watch these immensely talented people in their element. Everyone cared and everyone was amazing.
It hurt, because it made me miss acting and it made me remember why I love it.
And it made me realize that I'll never feel good enough to put myself out there the way they do. I lost that audacity. I had it once, and knowing that hurts even more.
Some days I have no idea what I want and other days it's so clear. I want the world, everything. I want to help people. I want to love people. I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be someone worthy of loving.
I want to stop writing blogs that sound overly melodramatic. I want to write something meaningful again.
I want to write my essay, but my topic is so depressing that I can't focus. (We had to pick a subtopic of the death penalty to write on. I chose mental illness and I'm reading about a case where a man was forcibly medicated to render him competent for execution. Singleton v. Norris if you're interested.)
It's ironic. My roommate and her friend are watching Rent in the next room. It's really really loud, and What You Own just came on. That's been one of those songs that I take as a sort of anthem since I first heard it. It helps.
I think too much. I have a lot to do.
It's ridiculous that I'm worried about being behind in choir. It's ridiculous that I don't know where I'm living next year but I forgot to break my housing contract so now I have to pay a fine. It's ridiculous that I don't have a major but I've already picked out three minors.
Why doesn't any of this make me happy? That's ridiculous too.
Real friends don't manipulate each other, It's not about what you can get or what you have to give up.
I'm sick. I don't know anymore.
Compleat Female Stage Beauty ended tonight. I miss it already. I was working the sound and even though my legs would cramp from not moving, it was such a great experience because I got to watch these immensely talented people in their element. Everyone cared and everyone was amazing.
It hurt, because it made me miss acting and it made me remember why I love it.
And it made me realize that I'll never feel good enough to put myself out there the way they do. I lost that audacity. I had it once, and knowing that hurts even more.
Some days I have no idea what I want and other days it's so clear. I want the world, everything. I want to help people. I want to love people. I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be someone worthy of loving.
I want to stop writing blogs that sound overly melodramatic. I want to write something meaningful again.
I want to write my essay, but my topic is so depressing that I can't focus. (We had to pick a subtopic of the death penalty to write on. I chose mental illness and I'm reading about a case where a man was forcibly medicated to render him competent for execution. Singleton v. Norris if you're interested.)
It's ironic. My roommate and her friend are watching Rent in the next room. It's really really loud, and What You Own just came on. That's been one of those songs that I take as a sort of anthem since I first heard it. It helps.
I think too much. I have a lot to do.
It's ridiculous that I'm worried about being behind in choir. It's ridiculous that I don't know where I'm living next year but I forgot to break my housing contract so now I have to pay a fine. It's ridiculous that I don't have a major but I've already picked out three minors.
Why doesn't any of this make me happy? That's ridiculous too.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I shall hear, though soft your tread above me
I cried tonight for the first time in a long time.
There was just a lot going on. There is still a lot going on. I'm just...busy.
But I have my shit together. That's what's important. That's what's always important.
God, no more being melodramatic. It's ridiculous and unneccessary.
I'm directing a short piece for the WTO Festival (April 8th, 9th, and 10th.) It was written by my friend Jason, and it's going to be amazing. We have our first read-through on Sunday, so I'll update on how that's going.
I'm exhausted, and I think I'm getting sick again.
I'm watching some really good movies, reading good books, feeling guilty about both. I should be getting more done than I am.
It makes me sad that I feel guilty about doing things that make me happy.
I really need some sleep.
I miss people. Not going to say who, You'd be surprised.
My voice recital is March 28th at 4. Please come.
There was just a lot going on. There is still a lot going on. I'm just...busy.
But I have my shit together. That's what's important. That's what's always important.
God, no more being melodramatic. It's ridiculous and unneccessary.
I'm directing a short piece for the WTO Festival (April 8th, 9th, and 10th.) It was written by my friend Jason, and it's going to be amazing. We have our first read-through on Sunday, so I'll update on how that's going.
I'm exhausted, and I think I'm getting sick again.
I'm watching some really good movies, reading good books, feeling guilty about both. I should be getting more done than I am.
It makes me sad that I feel guilty about doing things that make me happy.
I really need some sleep.
I miss people. Not going to say who, You'd be surprised.
My voice recital is March 28th at 4. Please come.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
99 Red Balloons
So, this weekend was fun. Thursday night was the Row, and that was a good time. I don't go there very often, but hanging out in ZBT was pretty cool. I may need to go back. I was actually there to help out with the WTO fundraiser, but I spent most of the time wandering around with (new roommate) Rachel and her friend Gabby. I met a guy who studied abroad in Capetown and loved it, so that was encouraging. I just wish I didn't have to wait until November to apply.
Last night was Nee's birthday, so we got all dressed up 80s style and went to Club Addiction. Had so much fun with Tiffany, Nee and the guys. i met a lot of guys. Some I knew, some I didn't, but it was cool just hanging out and dancing crazy. There was mild drama, which was kind of perturbing because I really dislike purposeless confrontation, but I guess it's excusable when it's fueled by alcohol.
I was going to go on about how I don't understand people who drink to excess when it doesn't make them happy, but I've walked on enough eggshells and sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut before I reveal anything about myself or anyone else that doesn't need to go on the internet. I have a lot to think about. Some of it may end up on this blog. Some of it might not.
We'll see.
Last night was Nee's birthday, so we got all dressed up 80s style and went to Club Addiction. Had so much fun with Tiffany, Nee and the guys. i met a lot of guys. Some I knew, some I didn't, but it was cool just hanging out and dancing crazy. There was mild drama, which was kind of perturbing because I really dislike purposeless confrontation, but I guess it's excusable when it's fueled by alcohol.
I was going to go on about how I don't understand people who drink to excess when it doesn't make them happy, but I've walked on enough eggshells and sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut before I reveal anything about myself or anyone else that doesn't need to go on the internet. I have a lot to think about. Some of it may end up on this blog. Some of it might not.
We'll see.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
what's the craziest thing you've done lately?
So, I'm not partying on Mardi gras. I really was planning to, but I feel like crap and I have so much to do that it's just not worth it. I wouldn't have fun. I just need to get some things done tonight so that I'm not stressing. I need to prioritize and that's not coming as easily as I'd like. Really, I just want to sleep. I'm so tired all the time now. I think that might be my own fault. I'm pushing myself pretty hard, physically, and it's taking a little bit of a toll. Oh, well. Such is life.
I need to get started on my Poli-Sci paper. That's priority one. Then the next essay for Writing 140 (ew). Then reading the play submissions for the WTO festival. Eventually, I have to finish the reading for my music industry class (preferably before the midterm). In the middle of this comes my 130 crew assignment which needs to figure itself out. It doesn't help that Hillary won California after I've been working on the Obama campaign. This night is just one big headache and I don't know how it got to be 11:55 and I really haven't done anything. Fuck.
Enough whining. Enough blogging. Time to get things done. Really, I'm fine. I just think too much. I need to get out of my own head. I learned that a long time ago, but it never really seems to apply enough.
Lots of plans to make. I like making plans, but this is all a bit much.
Whatever. No one wants to hear me whine. I'll say something more interesting tomorrow.
I need to get started on my Poli-Sci paper. That's priority one. Then the next essay for Writing 140 (ew). Then reading the play submissions for the WTO festival. Eventually, I have to finish the reading for my music industry class (preferably before the midterm). In the middle of this comes my 130 crew assignment which needs to figure itself out. It doesn't help that Hillary won California after I've been working on the Obama campaign. This night is just one big headache and I don't know how it got to be 11:55 and I really haven't done anything. Fuck.
Enough whining. Enough blogging. Time to get things done. Really, I'm fine. I just think too much. I need to get out of my own head. I learned that a long time ago, but it never really seems to apply enough.
Lots of plans to make. I like making plans, but this is all a bit much.
Whatever. No one wants to hear me whine. I'll say something more interesting tomorrow.
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