hands up, they're playing my song

I haven't been on this in a while.

Observations: I can kind of see the future. I'm the goddess of backup plans. I'm not being very nice to men lately.

What makes us acclimate to losing? I could quote that Marianna Williamson speech, but do I really need to?
Well, okay.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other."

There you go.

I have things to do.
Obviously, because why else would I be up at 1:30am? I'm only getting up in five hours anyway.

this time, you're listening.

I have a cat.
I have a tattoo.
I have friends that I can trust.

I have music.
I have love.
I have the freedom to criticize the government when they make decisions I don't agree with.

I have air conditioning
and running water
and clean clothes.

I'm so lucky. I'm grateful. I'm going to give back.

I have a lot to live up to.

Happy 4th of July, everybody.

she will never say where she came from.

Short term goals:
-Posing in front of a camera
-Making it to 25
-Learning to play the piano

Long tern goals:
-World Peace
-Happiness

If you can help me achieve any of these, I'll pretty much love you forever.

I should probably stop walking in front of buses, cutting across 4 lanes of traffic, eating raw food, and not-sleeping.
Then again, I should probably do a lot of things.
It's kind of funny that one of my catchphrases has become "I make bad decisions."
Or it was. Not so much anymore. I make okay decisions, just like everyone else.

This blog was a stupid idea, They always are.
I think I'll keep it. Like I said, I make bad decisions.

.

I'm grateful to live in a country where we can protest peacefully in the face of injustice, and win.

It's not enough, and I don't know what will be, but I'm still grateful, and I have hope, if not faith.

like a rootless tree.

I knew LA would come through for me. :)

Sometimes my chest hurts. Sometimes I shake. That's living. When you love the world, and the world hurts itself, you hurt. We only hurt the ones we love. We tell each other, "Love yourselves." Is it any wonder we ended up this way?

Fuck it. I have more to say elsewhere.

this isn't for the better.

I truly feel pretty heinous right now. It's silly, because I have the best friends on the planet, an agent that likes me, an audition scheduled for next week, I was blessed enough to be okay looking and to have enough intelligence to know better.
And it still feels like not-enough. I'm shaking a bit right now. Earlier I cried for the first time since March, pretty much because my head was in a very weird place and I couldn't get out of it.
And then I sent out some text messages and felt better. And I got things done, and I'm still getting things done, and I feel ridiculous sometimes, but my life is my life.
And my choices are my choices.
And I have good days and I have bad days.
And I eat the same amount of calories every day, and I'm okay with that.
And I make choices that aren't the smartest, or the healthiest.
And I get scared and freak out every once in a while.
And I've managed to put myself in a situation where I can no longer run away.

But you know what? It's okay. It's fine.
Because I made myself a promise. My New Year's Resolution, actually.
So if I can't run, I'll stay and meet this shit head-on. It's hard not to freak out every once in a while when you meet yourself face-to-face.

If you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Nietzche
"You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love."

Oh, life is silly. I can't count the times I've done something stupid this week, something that could have gotten me killed. I think that's just how we're meant to live. It's just that there are times when it sucks to be aware of it.

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

I haven't worn a white shirt to the gym in forever. They aren't very flattering. Today, I was wearing a comfy white tanktop and was pretty okay with it until I realized that I was walking straight into one of the VERY few thunderstorms Los Angeles has per year. Of course, it was day that I didn't have a jacket. Why would I need a jacket? It's summer in California.

Speaking of jackets, I've been really frustrated the last few weeks because I couldn't find my brown sweatshirt? I couldn't find it because I'd hung it up in my closet. Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Speaking of nothing in particular, my left arm is covered in scratches. My cat likes to bite down and hold on. It's her favorite game. Despite all of that, I feel so blessed and so lucky. I can't believe I almost didn't have her.